I wanted to think of something poetic and insightful to start this off but nothing came to mind easily. This is a problem i've been dealing with, with a frightening bit of momentum a lot lately.

My mind doesn't want to shut off. Ever. Even now as I type this all I want to do is everything. I want to put away my laundry, I want to look at the index card that is a foot away, I want to read a book that I know i'll only make it through a few pages of until my brain goes off on some irritating tangent into who knows where.

I want to rest. Truly rest, mind, body and soul, but that won't happen.

I'm kept awake at night not just by these relentless thoughts, but by depressing realizations. A little over two weeks ago, I lay awake in my bed staring up at my ceiling examining things. I'm pushing thirty, I'm back at school yes, going for a degree yes...but it just seems overwhelmingly more complicated now then it ever did before. Not to say that it was supposed to be a cakewalk, but this...its different. Its hard but its not. Maybe my brain is making it out to be harder then it really is.

I have a learning disability. At first the doctors thought it may have been A.D.D., but just to be sure they ran me through a gamut of testing. EEG, MRI, Catscan, CT Scan(same thing?), Memorization tests, blood tests, Brain scan, cognitive tests. I was examined as though I were an astronaut. The diagnosis? "There definitely is something wrong, there definitely is a disability...but we don't know what it is. You've compensated for it in someways but not in others." And that is all they could say.

That frustrates me every day. Not being able to focus on things is not as "funny" as one may imagine.

It is with these thoughts in mind I go back to that night two weeks or so ago. As I lay there, the thoughts continued to stream in like waterfall. Will I be going for this degree for the rest of my life? Will the job that I really want ever be available to me? Will my pursuit of my other passion in life ever be taken seriously? What will this holiday be like with less money then before? Can I continue to handle two...no...two and a half jobs? Everything, all at once came crashing into my brain.

For a brief, stupid, fleeting moment, the thought, keep in mind I said THOUGHT of something stupid and selfish crossed into my mind. I quickly dismissed the thought...but the fact that the thought even entered my brain upset me a great, great deal. Its a thought I will never have again. Ever.

Most nights I come home to an empty house, burdened and tired by the day that has passed and the ones to come, when all I want is to just clear my mind for a little while. To re-charge my batteries, but there is simply too much going on up there. Do you know how painful it is to come home to an empty house and to be alone with your thoughts sometimes? And yes, i'll admit it, I sometimes get envious of others happiness, especially when it comes so easy. I'm pretty sure others have felt that way too. I don't like being alone.

Maybe this is all mellow dramatic, maybe some will say "you aren't making any sense, why are you even talking?" Well. I don't know how to help you there. This is me. This is as real as it gets and right now i'm struggling a bit and this is the best way I can think of to at least try and clear my brain of some of the clutter.

Do others have it harder then me? Absolutely. Without a doubt. I'm no more or less special then anyone else in regards to this.

Many see me, they see my car, they see my ideas and my hopes and dreams and I feel many don't take me seriously. Do I let this get to me? I want to be cool and edgy and say "No man, i'm above that." But i'm not. Every so often, sometimes more often then not, it bothers me.

At my core, I like to think of myself as a carefree "who gives a damn" kinda person. And most of the time I am, but that doesn't mean I don't have a brain, that doesn't mean I don't have intelligent thoughts and it certainly doesn't mean i'm going to sit by and let myself get walked over.

I didn't have a clear cut full on plan in mind when I sat down to put these thoughts out, and I still don't. I've hit backspace and delete a few times, but for the most part this is as raw as i'm gonna get, and if you don't like that, and by you, i'm not referring to one specific person, but if you don't like that, then I don't know what to tell you.

Maybe some of you will understand what i'm going through maybe not. But for now it just feels a little bit better to get these thoughts out in the open.