"You are officially a candidate for graduation.", read the letter...and with that...the hopeful last steps in a decade plus long journey begin, and they scare the crap out of me, At first the prospect of this was to alarming to talk about. And I have no problem admitting to that, for fear has long been a powerful force in the past decade plus for me...both good and bad.
Fear, in all its forms, is always a motivating tool for me, either holding me back from things or situations that will have some sort of meaningful impact...or pushing me to do what I once thought was impossible.
Thankfully, lately at least, its been the pushing fear that has been winning out...albeit with mixed results.
I don't want to look back at my academic life just yet. Its not over, and if I do, that...bad fear...will permeate me, forcing me to a excellent land of panic attacks, cold sweats and shaking more violent then a Staten Island ferries "new" engines. The time will come for that soon enough, for now is the time to plow headlong into the last few weeks of it all. Y'know the thing I shoulda finished years ago? That's what the real kick in the ass has been...and continues to be.
I'm sitting in classrooms at 10am on a random Wednesday with people born in a year I was a sophomore in high school. I say it to a lot of people repeatedly, many of them being the very people in those classrooms, all the while, the people I deserve to be with, the guy scaling a ladder, the girl with cupcakes, the kid I grew up with who has 3 jobs and is already a homeowner, the girl with a 3 day a week job...have started their lives.
It makes me feel like i'm playing a game of catch-up, that I always will. But within them, within the ladders, the cupcakes, inside the cozy house, the 3 day job, they have all given me that extra drive, because they have all given me a piece of themselves, they've worked with my quirks, hell, they've made them shine, and made me realize that the quirks aren't as much a hindrance as I thought.
Hell, some of these lunatics have even let me hit them in the face with a pie. Thats a whole new level of trust. Or maybe they just really like pie. I know I do. I actually want some right now. Thats me, in the middle of introspection, I think of pie. Apple pie, Lemon Meringue(Which i'll freely admit I had Google help me spell.), Wildberry Pie, Key Lime, Chocolate Pudding...Theres nothing quite as sad as disappointing pie. I had it a few months ago at a place I almost always enjoy, and it damn near ruined my day, but then I remembered one of those people I just talked about, and wrote them a quick text, and it made it all better.
Thats some kinda power. To help me overcome bad pie, you either have to be part Kryptonian or part Jedi, maybe both. Thats why i'm happy I have these kinda people in my life. I only wish I had the power to show you all how much you mean.
Wow, now I really want some damn pie. And a good book. Yeah...pie and a good book.