According to blogger this is going to be my 347th post. That's obviously less then the amount of days in a year...which is odd considering I've had this blog for over a decade now. Oh how much I, and the world have changed in that amount of time.

   I watched Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith tonight. While I can now safely say about 95% of the prequels were worse then having a fat lady fall on you on a hot day, the Lightsaber battle at the end of this film resonates with me personally.

   Obi-Wan's words, "I have failed you Anakin, I have failed you." remind me of a friendship I lost. This point was especially driven home a few minutes later when he adds, "You were my brother Anakin, I loved you." This friendship was one of slow build, one that took years, but at its apex, it was unlike any other. Both myself and this person...lets call him R.D., were like brothers. A bond that was inseparable...or so I thought.

   Like Anakin, R.D. would eventually succumb to the "Dark Side", but not of a fictional "force" per say, no it was of life. Where others found being pushed to be better a good thing and a determining factor in bettering their life, R.D. would be tainted by his achievements, and it gave him the feeling of social and personal invulnerability. This, combined with a mix of drugs and alcohol would serve to be the undoing in our friendship.

   This decimation was not all his fault mind you. I do share some of the blame. My own failure to advance myself both socially and mentally was doubtlessly a contributing factor in the downfall of the friendship. I still shoulder this burden to this very day. Not nearly as much as I once did, mainly because I realize that maybe...just maybe the ending was needed. When my mother passed away in 2003, I had wrongly assumed(you know what they say about assuming.) that we could put our troubles aside and he could be there for me. I was wrong. Very wrong, in fact, as his roommate would tell me, "He thinks he's sorry." proved to me just how far gone he was. Then why do I always find myself wanting to go back? Especially when I know it could end catastrophically.

   Maybe it is because that, like my so-called namesake, Luke Skywalker realized of his father in "Return of the Jedi", that, "there is still some good in him." Maybe I have that belief in my friend. Now this is not say that R.D. is evil. He has not killed a basket of kittens, nor has he pushed an old lady into oncoming traffic(though after being a paperboy for 7 years I got close a few times.), but he let his larger then life persona get the better of him and became tainted by it.

   If anything everyone who knows me well knows I never go about things the easy way. It's another one of my faults. It's why i'm broke and mostly jobless now. It's why I've failed at love. As my many horrible crushes have proven to me, maybe I aim too high. Be it a girl who has stratospheric wealth, or one who has a committed boyfriend, I can never seem to get a foothold on anything within my grasp.

   It is this lofty, dream-driven mindset that has likely tired many people close to me, and again, could be a factoring reason in the ending of that friendship.

   But from the ashes of that friendship, I have learned how to build anew. This rebuilding has made my life better, especially within the past year. It has been a difficult year to say the VERY least. I liken it to a battle in which I am a lone warrior fighting against an unending army, and every time I sense the battle turning in my favor, another legion of troops is sent my way.

   Then, like any good battle, the reinforcements show up, just when they are needed the most. And if that scenario played out in real life, my friends would be those reinforcements. They all, in various ways helped me survive that year, and in doing so showed me once again, that friends are stronger then family.

   I'm not the easiest person to know, truer words have likely never been spoken. And everyone can attest to that. For that, I am truly sorry. I know those words likely seem shallow to many, but I speak them with sincerity, for I know my demands, my...sheer unique-ness can drive anyone mad. But, and I know it might be hard to believe, I am doing my best to remedy these faults. It may not come quickly, but I hope it does. I do not enjoy the life I currently live.Now before everyone gets nervous, I ASSURE YOU...I am NOT in any way planning on harming myself or others.

   I am not a believer in violence, nor am I a believer in weapons, which, I know will alienate a few, but honestly...I don't give a shit. I've seen far too much horror in my life, nay, in this year to be a proponent in weaponizing the public. In fact, I was never a fan of it, but after the horror I've seen this year, I am even more vehemently opposed to it. I do believe in self defense. I do not believe in putting lead into another human being.

   Now I know that many of you think that makes me a peace loving hippie. I am not. Rest assured if you attempt to harm me or those close to me, I will not hesitate to snap your legs into toothpicks, nor will I be ashamed of breaking your nose. Does that make me a hypocrite? Maybe. But I think i'd take far greater satisfaction out of watching someone walk with a limp for the rest of their life then be 6 feet under.

   Many scream second amendment. Might I remind you that at the time of the second amendment's writing, no one owned an Uzi, but many owned slaves? In fact I'm fairly certain that if we went back and looked at all the laws written back then, we'd find them to be at best...dated. Maybe it is time we revisit them in an attempt to bring about a day where police officers do not have to deliver horrific news at ones doorstep.

   I do not want to see any more photos of anguished people in tears due to tragedy. I want to see tears of joy. The tears that people shed due to absolute unbridled happiness. I want to see photos of troops returning home into the arms of loved ones. I want to see photos of shiny new cars being straddled by sexy models. I want to see photos of people in bliss. There needs to be an end to bitterness, to hatred and bigotry.

   The cartoon series, "The Jetsons", envisioned a bright and great future, and it is still within our grasp to attain that future. I know it. I am, at the end of the day an eternal optimist. Maybe this is another one of my faults. But...faults build cracks and the cracks in my give a damn are very close to breaking.

   These dams, these barriers that I've set for myself, they've held me back far too long, and in many ways contributed to what I will flatly call, a shitty year. Sure I've had sparks of goodness and joy, but all in all, it was quite shitty. But in spite of that, I have seen some friends have the opposite, and that truly does make me happy. I would easily trade my happiest day to a friend who was having a terrible one. I learned long ago that happiness for me is in all likelihood...unattainable. Now you'll note that a few lines ago I mentioned my penchant for being an optimist. How can these two mix you ask? Well, i'm complex.

   As much as I would like to think I deserve happiness, I realize where I am now. I'm 30. I still live at home. I have a serious learning disability, I have PTSD, I'm broke, and mostly jobless. I'm going for a degree in a field that is dying. I know where I stand in the world. And for those of you screaming, "get help." Rest assured, I am. That's all i'll say about that.

   But what I will continue to say is that I need too...everyone needs to, at some point put themselves in front of others and take the knife to the chest. I've been far too selfish for far too long and it has gotten me no where. I've let my fears envelop me to a point of almost no return. But, again, partially through the strength of my friends, and partially due to my own un-ending stubbornness, I've become quite adaptable. If nothing else i'll take that as a character development. That and the fact that I am a survivor. I will not quit. Accept that.

   Maybe that is why I continue to hope for a peace between me and R.D. Maybe thats why I keep pushing forward where others have failed, where even I have failed. I'm not really sure where I gained that trait, but I'm kinda proud I did.

   That is why, when the surge waters were rising, when power was flickering, when the house was creaking and shaking, i took a quick look at my life and was not happy. It was the only time in my life when I actually thought I would die. And I was scared. I was scared that I accomplished nothing. I even asked myself, through tears, as I sat alone, "is this as good as its gonna get?" I fought with myself in the darkness and fear. I sat there for I don't even know how long...and like a crazy person kept telling myself I had to fight for what was better and if I made it out alive to not accept the bad that life gives me.

   I've done a little bit since then to improve my situation. I didn't expect a change overnight, and if I did, that would have been foolish.

   I did endure a lot in those days, and in the weeks since. I've doubted myself, I've doubted others, but like I said, i'm a survivor. And while i'm proud of that, I don't want to look at situations as something I have to "survive", but as something I can either learn from, or enjoy.

   I truly hope I can enjoy the next year. I've always been a bit O.C.D and superstitious, so knowing the number that ends the forthcoming year, I will not try to say it as much, and due to that fact I'll attempt to quicken its pace. But if its pace slows, I truly hope it is for something good.

   Even though I said I want good for others, I also want good for myself. I do have a feeling, especially after this year, as though the universe owes me. And owes me big. This being said, I also know that I need to, at least partially make for myself what I want.

   What do I want? Happiness, plain and simple. I want to be able to, in a year or so's time, say, "That was a damn good year." And, "it sure is good to see a nice naked gal on my bed." I'd also like to say the following:

"Thank you Mister President, It was an honor to be your driver. Sorry about the dents in the limo."

Or, "Yes, Allstate? I'd like to ensure my Ecto-1."

Or "My name is Luke Crisalli, i'm the photo editor for National Geographic's new NYC division."

Or, "Why yes, i'd be happy to give you my chocolate covered bacon candy."

   Like I said. Eternal Optimist.

Bookishbelle: Day 4 of Christmas: A Ghostbuster's Holiday

Bookishbelle: Day 4 of Christmas: A Ghostbuster's Holiday: Submitted by Luke Crisalli Every year since 2004, I've been shooting my own Christmas cards, and these are absurdly off the wall hila...