When i write about today, i usually try and put a positive spin on things...try and encourage light through the darkness. This year however, that might be a difficult task to accomplish.
Personally, the past 14 years have been one unending roller coaster, and now, I fear i'm at the lowest dip on the ride, and i'm just not sure I have enough gas in the tank to make it to the top.
Fourteen years ago, the world changed, irrecoverably. Your world and mine. Fear replaced joy, anger replaced common sense, and i'm still not sure it can ever be the same, and in some ways, I fear we've...i've...grown so accustomed to this way of living, instead of fighting to restore the world we once knew, we fight to further isolate ourselves, to push away those we love, and those that love us. We turn away help instead of asking for it, we lash out, with hostile abandon at the slightest thing. We shun differences behind a mask of acceptance. It's sad.
I'm sad. Yes, woe is me, as the the cliche goes. Well, to be honest, woe is an apt way to to describe my current situation.
I remember the summer of 1994. I remember the heat seeping in through the windows of our apartment. It would bake the wooden doors and give off this ever so slight sweet smell that would permeate through the house, like every summer. To me, that was the sign summer arrived. Sure the calendar would say June 21 is the true start to summer(and my birthday), but to me, summer actually began when that scent entered my nostrils. That summer was, for some reason, to me at least, the pinnacle of my life, it was where I thought all things would be possible. I thought I could accomplish anything.
I was foolish. As I lay here in my darkened room, body wrecked and mind weary, I look back at that time and shake my head.
One can only endure so many hits, so much bad news until you wonder, "what the hell am I doing wrong?" Bills. Injuries. Lost family. Lost Loves. Lost Friends. Loss of peace of mind. Life is loss, thats all it seems to be.
Lately I find myself laying awake in bed each morning, asking, internally, "whats the point?", then I shuffle my feet to the floor and press through the day, numbly trudging through the seemingly endless "thank you for your interest, but we've decided to look at other candidates." emails. I look up at my diploma, a framed reminder of tirelessly learning a skill that I really have no true talent in. Then my eyes shift to a wall of framed photos. Photos of friends and family, all of them smiling. Enjoying life as it should be. I silently wonder when i'll see these people....if i'll see these people again. No one wants to be around, "Mr. Woe is me.", I mutter to myself. A 33 year old joke that life has passed by.
"Whats the point?" I again ask myself. This time my glance turns over at my running shoes, positioned neatly under weights that i'm unsure of when i'll be able to lift again.
In many ways, I think I injured more then my arm, I injured my psyche. Perhaps that was always damaged and this simply brought it to the forefront. It made me realize how fragile things can be. It's personally reminiscent of that day fourteen years ago, when the realization that reality is at times, needlessly tragic.
I'm not ok. I don't know how to be ok, I know what people say makes them ok. They think because it worked for them, it will work for everyone. That's not how things work. Things don't simply, "get better" because of a magic pill, or a happy picture. It requires a lot more, and i'm just not sure how to go about it anymore. I've exhausted option after option, and been met with no results. This is something I find ironic in our, "mental health is the most important thing!" culture.
It's incredibly hard sometimes, to even go outside, with an ever encroaching fear, dread and sense of worthlessness in your system. I think that part of me sometimes hates my life so much right now that i'm at the point where one big motivating factor is that I want to get revenge on my own bad luck so much I just keep plowing through the day just to piss my bad luck off. I'm stubborn like that. I can't keep that up forever though. No one can. Thats not how you live life. You're supposed to be happy right? Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. Thats one of our rights, isn't it?
Well, i'm still waiting on it to come to fruition. I've tried to make happen, but to little or no avail. Trying and failing time after time after time is not ennobling, its simply exhausting.
Once more, I glance up at the picture wall. I see the photo of Larry Sullivan. Ok Larry...I'll keep pushing.