Fifteen Catalysts

   Time is an odd thing. It is often said that, "as time passes, old wounds heal." What is often left out is the fact that sometimes, when wounds heal, they leave scars. Scars are everlasting, and usually...hidden. But, on occasion a scar is used as a turning point, or sometimes even shown with pride, so to say, "I was wounded, but here I am, still breathing, resiliently defying..."

Fifteen Years ago, we, as a people, were wounded. The scars are not hidden, yet we have somehow become frightened of expression and of compassion. We have used a once galvanizing clarion call fade into the background. Thousands of people gone in one day. We vowed to do right by them, to make ourselves better, but it is now difficult to see that solemn promise being kept.

I have watched, for years as the people in charge chanted, "we will remember!"...then shook my head as many, including my friends got sick and succumbed to the toxic cocktail they inhaled. It took a, "fake news anchor" who exhibited genuine human outrage to right the wrong, though his efforts were successful, for many, it was simply too late.

Remembering this day is important to me for a number of reasons. One is to educate, both myself and those who come after me, that in the darkest of times, goodness does actually shine through. Another reason to remember, for me is to set firmly the demarcation line of where my naivete ended.

I look at my, "Old Life" in the days before that one with fond memories, and while it wasn't always a picnic, it had a certain carefree feel to it. I enjoyed it, my youth. I miss it. I look back at photos of myself and friends and smile, thinking of how much better things were. Each day, I'd wake up and go about my day with relative ease in regards to the world around me. I'd go to bed each night, say goodnight to my turtle, Barney, whom just passed away two weeks ago, after being my constant, my pal for twenty five years...I'd then drift off to sleep, dreaming of another grand adventure awaiting me the next day.

Now, I glance at the world around me, and find cynicism and morbidity taking an ever increasing foothold on the collective consciousness of society. Hope and good will are being replaced by myopic attitudes and cruelty. We as a people, as a race are supposed to advance....culturally, mindfully, healthily and personally.

"Here comes another liberal minded rant", some will undoubtedly say, rolling their eyes. And that is where the problems begin. We are so consumed with defining others, putting them in a pre-labeled box before we get to know them, without realizing we're putting ourselves in the same type of box.

"We live in a great age, where we can accomplish great things.", others will say, boastfully. Terrific statement, yet we couldn't even take care of our own after Katrina. The U.K. can't even decide what it wants to do, and North Korea is one stubbed toe away from a potential nuclear annihilation. "It's just politics.", the saying goes. That is essentially the same concept as driving a car with no tires. You know how to can fix it, but you go ahead and let it happen because you're too lazy.


There is absolutely zero evidence supporting the statement that we live in a, "Great age." And the blame for that lies within us. We were given opportunity after opportunity to better ourselves and at nearly every step of the way, we stumbled. "We're gonna give you better healthcare options, so you can see more doctors, but that medication you need to keep you alive? $600. Don't have it? oh well, enjoy death!", "An original idea for a movie? Psshh...we're gonna do that movie you saw and liked years ago, but change everything! The Shawshank Redemption is now set in a downtown Phoenix daycare facility!"

I don't remember the 60's or the 50's, primarily because I hadn't been born yet. But from what I've been told, and seen, parts of it were refereed to as, "The Greatest Generation." Once you get past segregation, threat of atomic death, and sexism, sure, we can call it that. Back then, we landed on the moon and, which gave us the will to dream for better, the economy was booming, family meant something, and the civil rights movement was in full gear. We used to fight for things that mattered. Now we fight because "my team is better then yours."

We aspired to be better for our future generations. Now we strike down laws because some jagoff politician in Texas wants his constituents to be able to carry an assault rifle to Arby's in the event their sandwich isn't cooked right. Countries oppress love because of some misguided interpretation of a book. We make people famous for no reason, and belittle those who should actually be praised. Then out come the "matters masses." without realizing they're all being divisive. And in return, more people are sacrificed for what essentially matters to nothing.

Fifteen years ago, in the days following, we cared, we showed compassion, good will, and kindness to everyone, the world over. We may have boasted, but it was part of coping. Now we boast because we're the lunatic in the room screaming at a light switch.

We once constructed things that mattered, bridges and railroads to carry people everywhere, hospitals and libraries, schools and homes for all. Now we build soaring glass clubhouses to honor the wealthy and unworthy, while many others, who actually are worthy, call a piano box home.

The wealthy want to explore the universe, meet other beings, and this is something I agree with, but I wish they could see that we haven't even figured our selves out yet. Much of the ocean world remains a mystery to us, as do our own bodies. Land on Mars? Great idea, I'm actually in 100% support of that, but first, lets maybe get a cure Parkinson's so we don't have to see people like Micheal J. Fox suffer anymore. Let's get Lupus and MS nipped in the bud so I don't have to see my friends go through pain ever again. Is this the world we really want to show?

There was a time when we once interacted with each other, searched, discovered and explored the world around us, but now, we sit behind glass and plastic screens and abuse, mock and deride. We rate, we click and we drool, but we don't live. We ignore others just build a digital farm, while the impoverished dig in dumpsters for dinner. But remember, we live in a great age, where everyone gets a piece of the pie right?

Money is hard to come by these days, and I don't blame any one specific person or group. It has been my belief that our over-reliance on most technology to the point of which it has even invaded our toilet paper tubes, is causing more harm then good. Not everyone is adept when it comes to technology, not everyone wants to be, and some are simply inaccessible to it. But when you create an object which has the sole purpose of rendering another object obsolete, you then extinguish an entire legion of employment in that sector, creating a valley of talented, hard working and educated individuals who now find themselves aimless.

I'm really happy your iphone can shoot 9 megapixels, but do you know what ISO is? Got a great filter there I see. Only took you a swipe to add it huh? What about the hours of prep work a real photographer goes through to make sure the shot is perfect? Guess that means nothing now huh? I'll just use my degree as a dinner plate now thank you. All those years of hard work will taste really good with this Chicken Piccata.

They say money can't buy you happiness, which may be true, but it sure as hell can keep the bills away and put food in my stomach. I don't want billions. I just want to survive. And right now I don't feel like I'm even doing that. I feel like I am treading water with a 50 pound weight tied to my ankles.

I haven't been truly happy in a long, long, long time. I don't remember the last time I was to be honest. I had a connection with happiness, maybe it was in my childhood, but now I just have spits and spurts of random joy, which, while nice, isn't what life should be about. I am aware adult life is not an everyday party. And I know I'm not perfect, no one is supposedly. I guess that most people at their core are decent and kind, but even those, I feel far behind from.

I was careless with someones emotions once, and I'll be paying the price for it for the rest of my days. My best piece of advice on this matter is something that was given to me once by a friend who was a police officer, and its something i've tried, but likely failed at...maybe it will serve others better. He once told me, regarding another matter, "Go with your gut, your cut will get you home at night." He, of all people would know. Extrapolate on this a little and apply to other facets of life, particularly to the one you love the most. Learn from my mistake.

It's not just frustrating to know exactly what you want out of life but can't get it, its infuriatingly sad, and leads to a defeatist mindset. Maybe i've become as cynical as the rest, but I can't help it.

I've been trying to understand the meaning of being. I can't grasp it. We live our lives, day in, day out, often repeating the same schedule, acquiring mass quantities of everything and nothing along the journey, consuming them rapidly, and then relieving ourselves of them. We recycle this patern until we to are eventually relieved of our life. So if we live just to eventually die, whats the point in everything in between?

I know my place in the world. If the two year fruitless job hut i'm currently enduring is any proof, I'm also not that important. I'm insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and any chance I've had to accomplish great things has likely gone by. I hope i'm wrong, but chances are, I won't be remembered in 200 years.

That being said, I am still effortlessly stubborn at times, and that is why I haven't quit yet. I will battle the darkness just for the sheer sake of pissing it off. Maybe that's the New Yorker in me, maybe its part of my mothers Irish heritage, I'm not sure. She passed in September of 2003, just another notch in the framework that leads me to utterly despise this month. I'm not one for attaching personal meaning to songs, but when Green Day released, "Wake me up when September ends.", I couldn't help but feel like they were in my thoughts. One of the lessons I learned during that time was to get to know your parents. You may disagree with them and that's ok, but they are your parents. They are, unpretentiously, the greatest link to your existence, and one day, they won't be there.

Aside from that , I, as always, look to my friends. I've had many and lost many, some through my own idiocy, some just through the passage of time, but the are a select few who I've learned will always be there for me. Be it sitting in a garage eating bubblegum on a random summer afternoon, putting their arms around me when the world was falling apart, or some who seamlessly mix top hats, aviator sunglasses and sledge hammers because, it really is no big deal. I keep these people around because the older I get, the more I realize I need these people, and just maybe, they need me.

I think about others mortality more then my own. as I said, I know my place, its not very high up. Others are more deserving and that's why I care about others more then myself sometimes. Those weather alerts I give out that people laugh and scoff at? I do that because I want to use my well educated and knowledgeable weather brain to help people. 

I don't have money, so I can't help that way, I'm not in the greatest physical condition, so that's out, but I want to assist in anyway I can. If I could sacrifice myself so that everyone I care about doesn't die, I would, and the fact that I can't...eats at me sometimes. I can't fix the fact that I worry about these things. I worry constantly. About the future. About the present, and about the past. And here's the masochistic thing; I know that worrying about it won't do anything, but I can't stop myself, I can't stop my brains constant motions. Its one part of a larger problem, one that cannot be easily fixed.

It has been said that everyone dies alone. But if I mean something to someone, anyone, if I helped someone, if even a single person remembers me, then maybe I haven't truly"died." Maybe none of us have. I'm an Atheist. I don't believe in religion, but i'd like to hope that my life, and everyone's lives have meaning, or purpose, or, as Carl Sagan once said, "It's an awful waste of space."

Glory Gets All The Green

   The doors of the elevator opened with a typical ding, and the usual wooshing motion as most elevators do. This despite the atypical stair count. One Hundred Three.

   "I must be insane.", I thought to myself as I stepped onto the skydeck floor of the Sears Tower(I refuse to use that other name.). Immediately, A sense of overwhelming emotion overtook me. The skyline I gazed down on...was not one I was used to.

   "No, this isn't right," I thought. "This is not home." To the left was a lake, not Brooklyn and Queens. To the right, endless landscape, uninterrupted for as far as I could see, not the Hudson river. Most jarring of all? What lay in front of me. It was not the Flatiron, leading to the World Trade Center, eventually offering a glimpse of my home of Staten Island. It was more skyline, this time with a lake end capping its reach.

   Yup, I definitely wasn't home anymore. This fact I had known for at least 24 hours. Hell, I knew it even before we entered Chicago. I knew it when we, that being my friends and travel pals(re: willing victims), Chris and Lauren stopped along I-80 in front of a sign that proudly exclaimed, "Welcome to Ohio!"

   We would later discover the exclamation point offered far more hope then it should have. You see, Ohio is a wide empty space, not to unlike donald trumps brain. I do believe a travel guide of Ohio would be as fun a read as a book on the history of tissue paper. I had to think long and hard about that joke, because not much can compare to the monotony of a drive through Ohio. Maybe C-span?

   I'm sorry, I trailed off. That's likely because I left a part of my brain somewhere  back in Ohio.

   I was taken aback by my emotional response. I didn't quite understand it, and I still can't fully wrap my mind around it. It was almost as overwhelming as the intense vertigo and unbalance I felt atop that building, but not as strong.

   Two weeks later, after recanting the tale of my trek to the Windy City, I've been greeted with another response. One of raucous joy. One of my friends pounded down on an exercise table, seemingly more excited than I was. This surprised me even though I've found this to be a common thread, and today I was told why. "You don't go anywhere, you live in a bubble."

   This much is true. I do live in my 5...well...pretty much 3 borough bubble. I don't get out muc...well...ever. Being in another timezone, even one right next to mine, was a first for me. Having deep dish pizza was a new experience(one i'm still trying to wrap my stomach around, though it wasn't bad), as was seeing a fire truck with a black top.

   That's life when you have Asperger's. It's a type of Autism. Some of the symptoms, at least a few of which I have; include a difficulty in maintaining relationships, an inflexible adherence to routine and self sustainability, an extreme focus on a subject to a point of obsessiveness, and environmental sensitivity. I was sadly diagnosed with a learning disability later in life, which made pinning down the exact type difficult, but, with research, its been made a little easier. Sadly, however, this is just the tip of the iceberg of my medical troubles. More on that another time, maybe.

   My main purpose for the trip was to work Comic Con Chicago, or as its lovingly called, C2E2. I would use whatever skills people thought I brought to the table, be they wearing a fire helmet for hours on end, or yammering on about my new camera to the point of exhaustion, as I once again managed autographing department for another con. The, "Con-Life" we call it, cognizant of the fact we are likely never to be mistaken for hardened criminals.

   The secondary purpose for the trip was to fulfill my brains desire to see the, "Second City" I'd been so obsessed over for years, even though I couldn't, and still in many aspects still can't figure out what the pull is. It's as if some unseen force is telling me to find or do something there. I still don't know what that, "something" is, and i'm not sure when i'll find out.

   One thing however, did dawn on me. One reason this journey took place was my need to get out of my bubble. This was my brain's way of telling me, "This is where the journey starts." Why it chose Chicago first is anyone's guess. Perhaps its the similarity to New York, as to ease me into the trek. Maybe there is something more for me there and I simply haven't found it yet...maybe I found part of the puzzle. Maybe it's preparing me for greater things when I get to Washington D.C. later this year, I'm not sure.

     I am sure of one thing. Despite every thing holding me back, i'm grateful to have accomplished what I once thought was out of my reach. Hell, even the day of, I was still convinced it wasn't happenning.

   I'm happy it did. I'm happy I breathed in the cool Lake Michigan air. I'm happy I got to hug Ryan and Brittany. I'm happy to have met Enrique and Toni. I'm happy I heard the little Gelfling laugh. I'm happy I got to experience life an hour slower. I'm happy I that I want to do it again, because, in my mind at least, that means I did something right out there, whatever it may be.

   I'm happy that all of you are happy for me, because it means, despite all my shortcomings, despite all my problems, I still have friends. There is happiness in friendliness, but glory in friendship, and with you all at my side, I have glory days ahead.

The Paramus Holiday Inn

   In six days I will be able to purchase large quantities of my favorite food group, Chocolate, for heavily discounted prices. Except that with no steady income, I really shouldn't.

But I will allow myself a few pieces because its nice to treat myself every so often.

Undoubtedly, many of the chocolates purchased in the coming days will be accompanied with other sugary treats, along with flowers, cards, a gold metal bikini(I know there are a few of you out there.), and in some cases a rock that indicates you will soon be part of a joint bank account. Yippie for you.

Cynical? Yes, yes I am. I've seen love before, in its many forms.

Love for a sports team...until that team cashes out on itself and its fans in favor of the almighty dollar. Love for a fanbase...until that fanbase becomes so self-involved it alienates its core. Love for a food...a food so tasty that you know you can eat it forever, until you find yourself hunched over a toilet at 3am.

But love of another person? It never worked out for me. Oh sure, i've had my fair share of crushes...who hasn't? But that one form of unconditional love, what the Greeks commonly call, "Agape", wherein one that sees the person for who they are, regardless of flaws, shortcomings or faults? That type of love that everyone really wants? Well, I failed miserably at that.

I had my chance, I truly believe I did. The best part of it was, I wasn't looking for her, nor she for me. It just happened. It was lightning. It just felt right, felt natural, not forced. After countless pursuits, it just...happened.

But I blew it. She opened up to me, I to her, until I sabotaged myself. I got in my own way. So used to the proverbial bad luck that I call my life, I was unable to process the simple fact that, "Hey jackass, she likes you for you." was staring me straight in the face. The toxic mixture of fear, ignorance and stupidity was one I moronically drank, leaving the aftertaste of complete regret in my system.

I don't know what would have happened if I, for once, took a chance at being happy. I don't know if i'd be running marathons with her, or if i'd be building a house with her, or if i'd be with someone else entirely. I don't know this because I didn't take the chance. It's a regret i'll have to live with for the rest of my life.

You're only given a finite number of chances at real happiness in life, I believe. I had one, and I let it slip away. There aren't any second chances for a guy like me.

And I know you're saying, "that's not true.", "there are other fish in the sea", and every "don't give up" cliche that you can think of. I've heard it all. I've done the math, which by the way, I suck at, and I know where I stand. I stand alone. But i'm ok with this. Really, I am. This is restitution for my actions. This is my punishment, and it is exactly what I deserve.

Let mine be a cautionary tale. Don't let your fears dictate your other emotions. If you get, "silly little butterflies in your stomach.", don't ignore it, don't push it aside. Embrace it.

If misery is what follows you, take the path to happiness. Trust me, it's exactly the detour you need. If doubt seeps in, plug it with belief. Belief that you are an amazing person and that you deserve to be happy.