Musings, part one

   I have this thing my old therapist could probably tell you how maddening it was - and here is where I believe one the traits of my Asperger's really shows....I am bound by tradition, routine and schedule. I refuse to bend on nearly any of it...I used to have this thing with the number 13, where i'd avoid it at all costs. 

She made me confront it, head on. She had me write the number 13 on a white board like I was Bart Simpson and...I wanna say, that Lil thing pretty much worked. I can say "13"now and not feel like something bad will happen.

But then this morning, as I was getting ready for work, I looked in my closet and couldn't decide what top to wear...Yea...I know it sounds weird coming from a straight male who's job is to essentially time a bunch of runners... But this is why. The dark blue light jacket is from my marathon gear and the day I dislocated my elbow for the third time this past November. 

My Internal monologue/Asperger's said, "you can't wear that to another New York Road Runners event, hell you can't ever wear that again, remember what happened last time? Yeah, you might not have been wearing that specific jacket, but it's fun the same set,it could have touched the shirt you were wearing that day. What if you fall and dislocate your elbow again for the fourth damn time? What if you dislocate something else? Or what if someone else gets hurt? It's a bad thing to wear. This will bring you bad luck and you know it. Or it might not... But do you really want to take the chance?"

Now you can see a tiny glimpse into my fucked up mind. 

SQ.18

Honestly I'm so alone, sometimes I feel like screaming. Not anybody will hear me anyway.

I like this girl..And I don't know what is driving it. She rarely answers texts and I haven't seen her in over a while... It's highly possible I'll never see her again. And that hurts... The same way It always does...but different. No one knows what is like to put your heart on the line and get nothing in return. It's happened before...each time, not always... It hurts more. 

I'm starting to feel like time is catching up with me. I managed to luck myself through a few years, but now... It's like the run is harder... The stakes are higher and I don't have enough breath or strength as I used to. I don't like this feeling.

I need more.... friends that....I just need people. Trustworthy, good people.

I've had others try and get me into young onset PD groups but what people don't realize is....I don't want to be reminded of what's wrong with me and what I'll eventually become...I know that and I'm aware of it...I want to be viewed as normal as I can be. I'm not denying it. Not at all. I just don't want it to be what defines me.

I'm more than what people think.

The Hope Box

    I have a belief that if you really, truly believe in something, and you really, really, reeeeeally try to make it tangible through any means, you can make the impossible happen.

Maybe I've read too much, maybe I'm still a kid at heart, hell, maybe its my learning disability...but I really need to hang on to this. I've been beaten and knocked down so much that I've gotten used to losing at times, but, I still have hope. And if I can just hang on a little bit longer, if I can endure all this, maybe, just maybe...I can get a chance.

Be steel, be strong, be excellent. 

One Thousand Bricks Of Light

  It might be cold, I might be tired, but I have to keep going. 

I realize going forward that there will be times when the struggle seems harder than others, and days when I feel fine. I know I'll have days where I am alone, unsure, and downtrodden by magnitude of life. But I will keep on going. Random acts of kindness are something that you've proven to me can still drive people. Even the smallest act of kindness inches the darkest day toward the light. Gotta keep movin.

I have been beaten down by life more times than I can remember, yet somehow I've been either too stupid or too stubborn to stay down. I guess I've always been a bit of both, along with a bit of crazy.

I want to shine, I want to be happy again. I want comfort from fear. I want this fire, this engine of hope to rev with better days. There is a fire building, not an actual one mind you, a metaphysical one. It is one that reaches to the depths of despair within the psyche and says, "no more pain. No more hurt." 

This needs grow. It needs to thrive. I wake up early and go to sleep late, wasting time. I can't do this anymore. I have to be fighting for better days.

When l wake up I have to remember to work hard for what I want. It's gotta be me who has to take charge and start fighting. I would rather die for what I believe in, for what I want...than to be nothing. I am aware of the fact not many will see this. Just like I know that the people who do see this might think I'm crazy, and maybe thats true, but the day is not won with conformity, it is won with ingenuity and ambition.

Run, walk, crawl. However you it, you need to be true to yourself, and kind to others. If you see someone who has stumbled and lost hope, lost their way...you do the humane thing and get them moving and you keep them moving until they can't. Make them feel worthy, make 1 person feel like 300.

And then remember this. Progress requires constant effort. It breaks, and it builds. Laziness is the blanket of depression. One day, a time will come when all the struggle and hardship, all the tough days and all the long nights will end. One day something small will become something great.