Musings, part one

   I have this thing my old therapist could probably tell you how maddening it was - and here is where I believe one the traits of my Asperger's really shows....I am bound by tradition, routine and schedule. I refuse to bend on nearly any of it...I used to have this thing with the number 13, where i'd avoid it at all costs. 

She made me confront it, head on. She had me write the number 13 on a white board like I was Bart Simpson and...I wanna say, that Lil thing pretty much worked. I can say "13"now and not feel like something bad will happen.

But then this morning, as I was getting ready for work, I looked in my closet and couldn't decide what top to wear...Yea...I know it sounds weird coming from a straight male who's job is to essentially time a bunch of runners... But this is why. The dark blue light jacket is from my marathon gear and the day I dislocated my elbow for the third time this past November. 

My Internal monologue/Asperger's said, "you can't wear that to another New York Road Runners event, hell you can't ever wear that again, remember what happened last time? Yeah, you might not have been wearing that specific jacket, but it's fun the same set,it could have touched the shirt you were wearing that day. What if you fall and dislocate your elbow again for the fourth damn time? What if you dislocate something else? Or what if someone else gets hurt? It's a bad thing to wear. This will bring you bad luck and you know it. Or it might not... But do you really want to take the chance?"

Now you can see a tiny glimpse into my fucked up mind. 

SQ.18

Honestly I'm so alone, sometimes I feel like screaming. Not anybody will hear me anyway.

I like this girl..And I don't know what is driving it. She rarely answers texts and I haven't seen her in over a while... It's highly possible I'll never see her again. And that hurts... The same way It always does...but different. No one knows what is like to put your heart on the line and get nothing in return. It's happened before...each time, not always... It hurts more. 

I'm starting to feel like time is catching up with me. I managed to luck myself through a few years, but now... It's like the run is harder... The stakes are higher and I don't have enough breath or strength as I used to. I don't like this feeling.

I need more.... friends that....I just need people. Trustworthy, good people.

I've had others try and get me into young onset PD groups but what people don't realize is....I don't want to be reminded of what's wrong with me and what I'll eventually become...I know that and I'm aware of it...I want to be viewed as normal as I can be. I'm not denying it. Not at all. I just don't want it to be what defines me.

I'm more than what people think.