I started a blog about a year ago with “So this is how democracy dies, with thunderous applause.” That line was spoken by Natalie Portman in a Star Wars movie, and I think it’s fitting to apply it to this situation. For everyone who complained and moaned over the past year and yet stayed home Tuesday, this is your reward. Tuesday was the start of a hellish week for me, and it's not yet over.I don't know what exactly tomorrow will bring, but I already find myself dreading it.

For those who supported this ruthless dictator and his gallery of rouges, I hope that you are truly happy with the end result, as it will most likely serve you and your upper east side styled interests all too well.

Yet, for those of us who wanted real change, like myself, this is a bit of a dark day. It’s the day bad guys won. It’s a cold, rainy day in march. It’s the day in which we woke up to realize that hope is really a bad thing, a tease. A cruel emotional torture device.

So as our city slowly slips down the road to which there will undoubtedly be more firehouse closures, more teacher layoffs and an ever increasing police state, I find myself wondering if my city truly wants me anymore. I know have more of an understanding of why “ol’ blue eyes” vagabond shoes were longing to stray.

I was a dreamer, but when a dreamer has that dream taken from them, what are they?

It’s not even just that which leaves me without a sense of purpose anymore. It’s the never-ending frustration that has become my life. The unending pile-on that suddenly came out of no where. It’s a day and night change that frankly, I have trouble with. I've always had trouble with change, but for some reason, this time around, it's harder then before.

And now, here I find myself, nearly totally hopeless and just flat out lost. I had a path, a plan, and it was set and I was ready to go. Now every day is a bigger struggle then the previous, and i find myself faced with more questions then answers, and for some reason, it's harder to get the answers. Every day I feel like I’m one step closer to some kind of a breakdown and I don’t know how I keep myself together. I don’t know why life has suddenly become this hard.

I used to want to help people, I still do, I just don’t know how to help myself. My mind, it won’t stop thinking. Thoughts, all day, all night, it won’t shut down and let me truly rest. I just want to rest for a little while. Just a little. Is that so much to ask?

I know some of you want to forget, but with today comes the marking of eight years to the day that my city was changed. And if you would care to indulge me for a few moments, i'd like to briefly reflect as the raindrops patter away outside. It reminds me of the rains on Friday, September 14th, 2001. It was the first day of rain following the 11th. It was cold. Raw. One of those fall rains that made you think it was going to be a long, hard winter.

Then I remember the days following. Warmth returned. The Indian summer they call it. It seemingly extended far into the winter from what I recall. Fueled by the fire that drove all of us to dig deeper and find the extra something in our self to push through unimaginable tragedy with remarkable strength and compassion. Compassion for fellow humans.

We rose through horror and showed the very best humanity could offer.

Every year I write these soliloquies and I don’t necessarily write them for one specific group or person, other then myself I suppose. If that sounds selfish I apologize.

8 years shouldn’t seem so far gone now, really it shouldn’t, but for some reason it is. I look back to then from now and I feel like I might as well be looking back to 1960. 8 years ago on that rainy Friday, I visited my old high school and ran into my former English teacher, who I remember, and I honestly don’t know how I remember this seeing as how my memory is picky at best, but I remember her nearly breaking down, which I had never seen from her. I had never seen real emotion from a teacher like that before. She had mentioned that another former teacher of mine’s brother had been a firefighter who hadn’t yet been heard from. Every year I see her at the tribute here on Staten Island, and she still carries this open wound with her, she hasn’t forgotten. You can tell she still remembers.

Everyone should remember. While each year I "preach" that people seem to have forgotten, I also realize that people do remember in their own way. I just hope that people remember that while it might not be as hard for them, and it’s easy to just throw it under the rug, for others, this is more then just some day. Much more. Many people here on Staten Island either lost or know someone who lost a loved one or friend. I don’t want to be “celebrating” a “Patriot Day Sale” in 15 years.

I want simple things. Common decency. It might not seem like anything at first, and I may be hoping for a miracle, but hey, it might start something good. I don’t know. I think of myself as a bit of an oddball, some say I’m a cynic, some say I’m still a dreamer, but dammit, all I want is what’s good and right. Even though the rains will dampen today, I will remember, I always will and I have the hope that anyone reading this does as well.

I just finished eating a recipe I got from “The Unsinkable Bathroom Reader.” for those of you who don’t know what that is, the Bathroom reader is a series of books, about as thick as a college textbook filled with random facts, stories and information, and as the title says, they’re meant to be read when on the can. I’ve gotten one every year, and many an entrant to my bathroom has found them enjoyable.

Anyway, the recipe was for “Bell Peppers in Creamy Sauce”, which was essentially melted marshmallows in hollowed out red peppers. Excellent right? Well, I tried them, and they were…well…not awful, but not as well as I hoped. Has the bathroom reader let me down? No, I’m sure my neighbors cats will manage to find them tasty, as they do most of what I give them(hence why they are fat.)

Those of you who read my rants and raves and musings in the past are probably scratching your head as to how I’ve managed to begin this with a story about cooking via the can. Wish I could give you a good answer but right now I’m gonna blame it on…hmmm….my lack of green socks.

I used to pound out at least 3 or 4 of these bloggy things a month, but for some reason, lately I’ve felt un-inspired, or maybe lazy, I’m not sure, but I’d like to make an attempt to connect with the masses more because I believe I am excellent, and you should all know about it. So what shall I address this time around?

Well, I know a “hot button”(where the hell did that term come from? I’ve never felt a, "hot button", nor do I know anyone who has, and I’ve touched many a button. I think from now on, I’m gonna call it a boiling potato issue, those I’ve touched, and eaten, and man are they deliciously excellent.) issue is this whole health care debate. While I do watch the news, and am a bit of a journalist myself, I frankly am still slightly confused as to why it’s such a big deal. Healthcare in this country is a mess, I will admit.

I’ve had my battles with healthcare companies over the past few years, and while they’re not as good as Letterman V. Palin, they’re tough. They shouldn’t be. You sick? Go to a doctor and the government will pay for it, plain and simple. I believe that’s how it’s done in Sweden and Norway. Seems to be working out for them, and last I checked those countries were pretty good, hell Sweden gave me my desk and TV unit. And I like those, so why aren’t we like Norway? I like the Adderall pen I got from my doctors office as much as I like any pen I’ve stolen….er…borrowed from anywhere, but I’d like to know I got it from them cause they liked the green color, not because Pfizer or whatever crazy sounding drug company paid em for it.

Every time I’ve turned on the news in the past few weeks, it’s the same thing, people screaming at some poor schmo standing behind a podium before they can say anything. Who even knows if they’re gonna talk about healthcare? Maybe they’re gonna say “hey, who wants free muffins?” but no, some nut job who had a too many Red Bull’s has to start acting like Lou Pinella. At least let these people talk before acting like a soccer mom in Wal-mart on black Friday(man, did I just sound like Larry The Cable Guy?).

Everyone says it’s the Republicans going against the Democrats or vice versa, and that’s where I get sick to my stomach, cause frankly, I’m tired of that crap. It shouldn’t be about that at all. This is why politics make me sick. We all should have got over this high school garbage ages ago. They’re all adult aged and yet they don’t act it. Sometime ago, someone asked me if I was Democrat or a Republican. I am NEITHER. I like the way come people do some things, and I like the way others do other things, that doesn’t make me anything other then a human, and that is how I want to be treated.

I’m tired of all this back and forth, it gets nothing done. Especially on this Island, where everything has to go through some kinda study. We’ve had more studies done on this island about transportation then little kids in michael jackson has had kids in it’s crotch(too soon?)Know what the studies say? We need more trains and mass transit. Same thing was probably said in another study 20 years ago and not much has changed.

I don’t need a bunch of scientists with clipboards and hard hats telling me there needs to be a train on the Island, just build the damn thing already. Go get it done, now. I don’t care if it’s labor day weekend, firefighters and doctors don’t stop cause it’s labor day weekend. Why should anyone else? Well...alright, get to work Monday at least, and I want it done no later then next Thursday dammit.

The Empire State Building was finished in 13 months, and that’s when there were only 5 channels on TV, and we had to walk 35 miles to get to the nearest Home Depot/Jamba Juice/Jc-Penny/Shop-Rite(give it time, they’ll all be in one spot sooner or later.)

Speaking of construction, my damn neighbor needs to build a driveway. 3 cars, and a front yard with enough land to build another Connecticut, but he can’t wrap his head around a few bags of quick-rete.

That, by the way is one cool invention. Maybe I’ll start making random ramps along major highways just to screw with old people. Then when I reach that age and wonder why the left turn I took somehow deposited me in Minneapolis I can blame it on, “those damn kids.” I’m gonna make an excellent curmudgeon some day. I should probably get a cane, since I already have the rocking chair. Man do I love that rocking chair.

Since I’m not presently at that age however, I won’t complain about everything. I do have good news. I have finally accepted the new Pepsi can design. I can safely look past the fact that the new logo looks an awful lot like a plumbers crack and enjoy my tasty beverage. Some people say its bad for you, but it has water in it, and water is healthy. You don’t hear anyone saying water is bad for you do you? Well maybe they do, but it’s usually that crazy guy in the pink leotard on a unicycle in Herald Square, and hes not so bad, once you get past the smell.

Cheese Doodles are also healthy. It’s true. Cheese is good for you, and it comes from a cow, which as we know is responsible for hamburgers, and seriously, who doesn’t love hamburgers? Anyone who doesn’t is just plain retarded with a capital bike helmet. Think about it, cheese is healthy, it’s in a food group, we give cheese slices to kids when they’re little so whats wrong with it in doodle form? Why is there a anti-doodle movement in this country? That’s racist. Racism gets you no where, ask that guy who played Kramer on Seinfeld. If you don’t like cheese doodles, you are no better then him. Did I just blow your mind or what?

So I think it’s time I chime in on this media mess we’ve all been subjected too for the past few weeks.

First and foremost, in regards to the music-freak, I have no respect for anything that molests kids(and don't give me, "allegedly", it happened. Saying it, "allegedly" happened is like saying Jupiter is, "allegedly" a planet.), I honestly don't. Speaking of which, shouldn't the cast of Law And Order: SVU be releasing a statement now since everyone else from Earth To Hoth has at this point? Mr. President, I love ya man, but really? This? Aren’t there more pressing issues facing the nation at this point?

So it (that's what I’m calling "him") sold a bunch of records and danced a bit(Moonwalk? really? Neil Armstrong did not do that, he kind of bounced and hopped)...that doesn't allow all the right to child abuse. I don't understand how anyone can look past that. I really don’t.

There was a catcher for the Yankees, Jim Leyritz, who was a huge part of their '96 championship run. I was a fan of his since '93, I followed him a bit even after he was traded. Last year he drunk drove and killed someone, now I’m not fan. Some may find that wrong. I’m not sorry to say, that when you break the law and knowingly kill or injure someone, I lose respect for you.

No amount of money that Jackos legal team threw at those kids will truly erase those scars. And those are just the kids that came forward. Who knows how many didn't? Money doesn't heal all. They settled with his plaintiffs out of court. Unless you had something to hide, why would you do that? Especially when you have the money and the power to shut anyone up? Whoever doesn’t believe it happened or has looked over it is both blind and ignorant.

Why does everyone want to clear it’s past because it’s dead now? Being dead doesn't negate the fact that it did a lot of bad things. I’ve never liked jacko.

You can argue that “he” did a lot for music and should be celebrated for it. Well, in that same vein, Saddam did a lot for nerve gas and mass genocide, so why not celebrate him too?

The world should not come to a halt because some celebrity who was out of their mind died. I don't see L.A. being shut down because a teacher or a soldier died, and I can tell you those people did a hell of a lot more for the planet than this freakshow.

Now you can say that the soldiers and teachers aren’t "public figures" and that people have a tough time grieving for something they can't put a face or a name to. A friend of mine said; “They, sadly, don't feel any connection to these people for whatever reason but with celebrities, they do because they "see" them on a constant basis. Invite them into their homes and cars.” This is total proof as to how royally messed up our values have become.

This is not to say that I am not guilty of following a celebrity, HOWEVER, to completely alter my life around one is beyond me. How can people call this…thing...a role model? How is dangling your own innocent newborn over a balcony forgivable?! If that was me, I’d be tossed in prison and be meeting Jimmy John in the back of my cell. Celebrity should not give one free reign to act as if there are is no law.

Somewhere along the line, our values and standards got really, really fucked up. When I turn on Eyewitness news here in New York, I want to see New York news, like information on subway fare hikes, not two New York reporters covering this love in out in L.A. Ratings be damned, what happened to real journalism?

And god forbid anyone say anything negative about jacko, because if they do, they’ll be viewed as the most horrible person on the Earth. So to the 9 or 10 other people out there who have defied the norm and spoke the truth, I salute you.

This is getting entirely too much attention and it is completely undeserved. So call me the worlds biggest cynic, but i do not feel an ounce of pity here.

This all leads me into my next bone of contention. While I may be a bit late commenting on it to the masses, The whole Letterman vs. palin crap really set me off. First off, Dave never said "rape", palin and her morons made that up. Second, what right does she have to preach about family values when for starters her daughter got knocked up, and second, she’s charging rape victims in Alaska for rape kits? Pot calling the kettle black there?

Third is the fact that Dave is a COMEDIAN. he's supposed to make jokes, it's what they all do. I don't see anyone getting annoyed at Leno or Stewart when they make a joke about them. People get waaaay to easily offended nowadays, and often times it’s over nothing! All they do is protest this and that. Does it ever do anything? Sometimes it does minute things. But yea, most of the time its pointless. And then the parents wonder why the kids turn out frigged up. It's because while the parents were complaining, they weren't raising Billy and Janey and then Billy got shot and Janey got high and crashed the car.

I don't understand how a parent can get annoyed about a few people boning on a show while they let the son or daughter watch "24", nothing against that show, just saying...if i had the choice, I’d rather have my kids see the natural act of doin' it sideways instead of Keifer torturing someone. The U.K. has no problem with naked news, why can't we have that? If I saw some naked girl tell me the economy is in the toilet, I’d damn well take it better then if Wolf Blitzer told me, and if a lady wants to see a naked guy, or a guy wants to see one, more power to them, nudity for all, except Wolf Blitzer. No one, and I mean no one, needs to see that.

Whatever happened to free speech and freedom of expression? I don't get it. Look, I can't stand eminiem, and even though what I think he does is sometimes sexist and racist, he's got every right to say it. You know what I do? I turn the dial. Or I change the channel, and I put on something I want to see and a few moments later I forget about him.

I have another friend who is very into be what many would call an activist. After our “mayor” decide he was gonna close firehouses, this guy went out and essentially started a grassroots campaign to keep them open. When the whole palin crap started, did he get distracted by a fight that he knew was pointless? No! He kept doing what he was doing, fighting a battle that was worthwhile, and ya know what? He succeeded! And that was worth fighting for.

Now while I know that was long winded and at times overly wordy, damn it felt good. So throw your shoes at me if you want, but I don’t feel sorry about what I’ve said.