Eight years ago tonight was the worst night of my life. Eight years ago tonight, I lost my mother.

It was the continuation of an already awful year and also the continuation of what has become - to me at least, the reason why i hate the whole month of September. Nothing good seems to come of it, so, this year I decided to throw as much on to my schedule as I possibly could in order to keep my mind off the fact that "hey, its the worst month of the year."

Its almost, and I stress almost working....too good. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically spent. I just want this month over.

When I look back to that time, eight years ago, it still seems real. Still hurts. A lot of people would come up to me and say "this is the way she would have wanted it." And i find that hard to beleive. I got a lot of that back then. People coming up to me, some of whom I didn't know, offering advice when I didn't want it, people who barely knew me trying to psycho analyze the hell outta me when most of the time I just wanted to be left alone.

The people who I wanted around me the most were there....except for one, and he knows who he is.

Still, some people pushed to hard, and it really honestly just irritated the fuck out of me to no end. One person though, shone through. This friend of mine came to me that night as I sat out on my front lawn just staring up into the sky and hugged me, and then just sat with me for hours, neither of us said anything, we just sat there. And that meant more to me then this one person will ever realize. Saying nothing said it all. I felt so at peace at that moment.

Thats when I realized that some friends are more then that, they're family, always will be. However many times we all bitch and moan, however many times we say horrible, hurtful things to each other, there will always be the all night car rides, the unplanned adventures into the unknown, the random movie marathons, the photo-hunts, the impromtu barbecues, house paintings, baseball games and countless other things that I will always be thankful for.

There are some friends that i've known for over 20 years that are without a doubt just plain family at this point. There are some people i've known for weeks that could someday be just as close. Hell there are some that I haven't met yet. Doesn't matter. Each one is special and unique and I love all of em.

People who barely know me come up to me every once in a while and say "you're so creative just like your mother." and at times that gnaws at me. I'm not her. I'm me. This is the way she'd want it. Every parent wants their child to be unique and different. My closest friends get this. And this is why I love the hell outta em. My best friends know me better then I know myself.

This rant is not just about me remembering my mother, its about me thanking every one of my friends who has helped me get through the past eight years.

Friendship is probably the most powerful connection you can have with someone. In fact, it might be the single most powerful force in the universe.

Thank You.

As I pulled into my driveway tonight, I got out of my car and looked up at the Staten Island Night sky. For the most part it was the same as it's been for the past week or two. Mostly Cloudy. There was something different this night however.

Its the same different that is actually familiar this night and tomorrow. Twin beams of light reaching skyward.

I can't fathom...cannot wrap my mind around the fact it's been a decade. That to me just seems cruel. That the world has gone by in such a blur.

I'm sorry to do this to you again, but I need to talk this out in some way otherwise I might lose it. I might do that anyway.

For some reason i'm being hit hard this time around and I don't know why. Maybe it's because of the overwhelming fear that people will think; "Well it's been a decade now, we don't have to give a damn anymore." And those people make me physically angry. You don't forget just because its convenient.

This happened, it was real, it had substance. Terrifying, painful friggin substance. And there are some moments where its just utterly unbearable.

I sat on the ferry today, on my way to work, and it all just started to slam me more so then ever before, and all I wanted to do was cry my eyes out. But I couldn't, not there. Then I got to work, and was reminded of it all. Day. Long. And I wanted to cry my eyes out. And now, I'm home, and I want to cry my eyes out. I have tears right there to the point my eyes are blurry.

It's not fucking fair. It's not. This never should have happened. Innocent, good people shouldn't suffer. Its not god damned fair.

No one should ever have to see a drawing made by a child that says "Daddy, please come home, we miss you." No one.

All I wanna do is cry my brains out right now, but that won't get me anywhere, it won't gain back whats been lost. So I do what I learned how to do best after that day. I push forward the best I can.

I remember a few hours after it happened, I went to the only store by my house that was open and got bottled water. I wanted to be ready for what was next, I wanted to fight it, whatever "it" was. I wanted to help. I wanted to show I won't take this lying down.

And now, ten years later, i'm still fighting. Why? Because I know there is hope in the world. Despite how horrible and awful things can be, there is always a better tomorrow on the horizon.

Recently I found out that very close friends of mine are expecting another child. These friends are some of the most kind-hearted, grounded people I know, and I had the great pleasure of, a few months back, being present at a small gathering at their home, where I saw their kids, and lemme tell you, these kids give me hope. They're not your typical smart mouthed bratty kids.

These kids are amazing, funny, intelligent and absolutely adorable and are raised by equally amazing, funny and intelligent parents. They all have a smile that is genuine and good. One that doesn't judge, one that doesn't hate, one that is simply put, beautiful.

When I think of these friends of mine, It gives me an extra hitch in my giddy up, it makes me want what they have, and what they have is what evil will never take away. They have a seemingly never ending capacity for good, and a hope that tomorrow, the sun will rise.

And its that hope, that strength, that they've instilled in me, and that i'd like to instill in anyone who reads this, that no matter what evils and tragedies you face, no matter how much the world beats you down, knocks you over and kicks you to the curb, you will always be given that chance to make it better, you'll always have a chance to bring it back, to show the dark there is light, there is hope.

There is always hope. It's a powerful thing, more powerful then anything else.

I just hope I can make it through tomorrow with dry eyes.