The Bully Day

   "Valentines day is every guy's least favorite day. Valentines day is the bully of holidays. It forces love on people who aren't in love." were the ever so fitting words uttered by Allison Pill's "Newsroom" character Maggie. The continuation of that line should have been, "...and reminds those who have no one just how alone they really are."

   Am I complaining? Yes. Yes I am. I'm alone in a city of millions, and that...is an accomplishment I am not proud of.

   I've seen it day after day, night after night with nearly every couple i've ever met, They bitch, moan, scream, fight and are just generally awful for each other, while some of us just lay in bed at night, alone, wishing we had anyone, someone...to hold, to talk to, joke with, put cake batter on each others noses with, run with...its tough. Achingly tough.

   We wonder what we're doing wrong, saying wrong....is it the way we dress? Something we said? Is our face to ugly? Are we too poor? Maybe our brain is too slow to catch it all. Why can't we just say what we wanna say?

   It's fear. Fear of rejection, or even of acceptance. Because with acceptance comes change...and change is scary, it brakes the homeostasis, the familiar, the routine.

   I hate change mostly. It scares me to the bone sometimes. Big change especially. Loss of my grandparents, change. Loss of my mother, change. Loss of My Cousin, Change. Loss of use of my elbow, albeit temporary, change. All of them bad. Change for me has been bad for the most part.

   I want desperately to experience the good change. The change that comes with waking up that one random morning where the sun shines bright and warm and the day is full of seemingly unending energy, so much so i'm bounding through it like rocket on a course to a new planet.

   I want to not fear change. I want the happy, and I know, many, many people will say, "it will come, you just need to wait for it." or, "if you want it, you need to make it happen.", and i've tried both methods, and have, as always, been left questioning myself.

   I'm better then that. I'm the guy who, without question, managed to get on a major movie set with a fake accent. I'm the guy who pied people in the face, who printed photographs on fire hose, the guy with the Ghostbusters logos on his car, the one who painted his old bedroom electric lime green...i'm the guy who in the same year, got a letter of denial from the White House(Which I framed), while simultaneously getting  a Christmas card from In n' Out burger. I managed to bake cookies in my car. I stood up to high school tormentors when no one else would....I think i'm pretty damn excellent.

   I think almost everyone has some excellent, some courage, like love is a powerful and wonderful motivator. It moves us to do great, sometimes stupid things, but mainly great. Hopefully we all get the courage to make it all possible one day.