Steam Powered And Rogers Resolute

   I often find that time, the concept of it, is frightening, if for no other reason then the fact it's arbitrary in many aspects. You can't fight it, nor can you rewind it, you can't stop it, you just have to exist with it.

So when I look at the calendar in the corner of my screen and see that the year is 2018, following 3 numbers that have been seared into the collective consciousnesses of a generation, I wonder why I am still accompanied by temporal shock. Has this much time really transpired since then? "Can't be real.", I tell myself. Then I am reminded of Don Henley's tune, "In a New York Minute." He remarks on how, "everything can change." And my word has it ever.

We were all transformed that day, we became wholly different. Fearful. Hostile. A reflection of another point in time that we sought to distance ourselves from.

The days since have grown longer for many of us, and many of us have become more world weary and tired. Aching, Our feet our heavy with life, though we wouldn't admit as such, for admitting any weakness is an insult to the machismo and bravado some try so desperately to cling to, as if to admit to anyone that empathy is not welcome.

We desperately need to alter this outlook. We can be better. Our feet must be heavy and loud with optimism and yes, hope. A welcoming of emotion and humanity is very much a good thing.

Everyone of us is on a clock. That clock will run out. Maybe not today, maybe it will be in 20 years, 40 years, but at some point, it will run out. Our time is finite. Is living in fear and anger really the best use of that time?

I'm one of those annoying people who lets bad days stack like Lego bricks into a bad week, bad month, etc. Now, I don't know if you're like me, and wow do I hope you aren't...but if you are, at least in that aspect, you and me have to change that mindset fast.

Every year I write these monologues and I try, in my own minute way to not just illustrate my thoughts, but to stir others to action, to shake the dust of that day off and rise. Rise like my mothers favorite musician, Bruce Springsteen urged us all to do. It may be as simple as going out for a run or walk. Be Steadfast and unwavering. Be tenacious and posses boundless energy.

There is no reason not to. The urgency of the ever ticking clock should spur you to do more, do better, do good, because while the future is a mystery, why not try and make it a good one?

Swervin' Deloran

   Years ago around this time, I took a walk. It was a short walk, but one that was important. It was a graduation walk, one that would see a journey of years end in a few moments of joy and hope.

Since then, I have, at times, such as now, found hope to be an audacious thing, an absurd thing, and a wretched thing. The notion that, despite all odds, some magical unseen, unrelenting force would impose its will of goodness on you in the most dire of times and lift you to happiness and joy? Bah. Impossible I thought...and at times still do.

That rampant cynicism that has latched itself onto me is still there, still prevalent, but from time to time slightly erodes and is replaced with a stubbornness that, while annoying, offers me the opportunity to look at were once unconquerable scenarios and say, "No, fuck you, i'm tired of your bullshit.". It's fun actually. To be so annoyed by the way things have gone that some part of your id has this willpower to push on just to piss off the supposed, "forces" that try and keep you down and attempt to make you unhappy and miserable.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still be the same cynical son of a bitch I was, but I can do it with a smile, and a twinge of happiness. It actually is a bit of a good thing.

Many times recently I've found myself very close to just giving up, unsure as to why i'm willing to hang on. I'm just that kinda stupid I guess. The kind of stupid that knows pain, but also knows pain is temporary, and in many cases very much worth the hurt, tears and occasional scream. Life is never going to perfect all the time, I've long since come to terms with that. That kind of perfection is not the least bit ideal anyway. Perfection like that offers no failures, and failures are what gives one the experience to grow as a person.

Often times, it will lead to feeling world weary and aching. I remember being not weary, but proud as I received my diploma years ago. It had taken a while, yes, but for that moment, I walked with a new sense of pride of vigor. It was as if that internal monologue of doubt and self pity had been silenced for just enough time to finally enjoy something.

Everyone has that inner monologue, mine wears heavy boots and is often quite loud. There's the rational side, who will analyze a problem, present the best possible solution and go for that. Then there's the irrational side who starts every idea with,"let's build a ramp. What could possibly go wrong?" A lot of the time that part gets the best of me, you see, I'm not always....great with words, though I am fond of them. Occasionally Mr. Irrational goes a lil too far. Life with Asperger's, anxiety, PTSD and depression...among other things I guess.

Some people have said to me that all those labels make it easier to accept failure. I say sometimes in life you have to fail at taking a chance at doing what you love - knowing for the most part it wasn't gonna go well to begin with, just to better yourself for the long-term. Failing upwards I believe is the term. I'm not happy i'm failing, but I will try and become better through it.

Improvement is a bit tough to achieve when it comes to personal growth for many people it seems, at least for me it is. A lot of people are content with the status quo. I'm not. I know things can be better, we as a society can improve, and i'm not talking strictly about technologically.

I'm actually slowly starting to hate technology. I believe it's making us to lazy, and shortening our attention spans, and hell, its not even being used correctly.

Take the phone for example, I was having this conversation with a friend a few weeks ago and she mentioned she doesn't even use it to call people, and sometimes intentionally ignores even it's main "second use", texting. Look, if someone wants to reach out, reach back. The phone works both ways, It works many ways in fact, so when someone calls you, texts you, messages you, or in general - contacts you, get back to them, even if its hard on you, it makes them feel a lil less pathetic.

Maybe i'm just old fashioned, or an old soul living in a young-ish body...that will age by another turn around the sun next week. So there's that to look forward to. As I look down the tunnel of another year gone by, I, as usual, get retrospective. What have I done in the past year that was productive? Not as much as i'd like. I've lost more than I've gained.

But there was that one day in November I did something a little impressive. At least others seem to think it was. To me it was just 26.2 miles or running.

I'm not just saying this because I do it, but everyone should try running. It actually lowers your heart rate and blood pressure after a while, at least it does with me. Try to keep at it. You don't have to run a marathon or even a 5k, just get out there and feel the breeze, be free. To get near your happy place.

I don't remember many times as of late when I was truly truly happy...honestly, I can probably count them on one hand. I feel alone most of the time, and I hate it. I know, like everyone, I come with baggage, maybe more so than most, but, its hard not to take it personally sometimes. Its downright depressing in fact.

I once looked at someone and felt totally vulnerable and I was, and still am OK with it to be flat out honest. Its that vulnerability that ensures your trust in another individual. After all, Its been said that, "true love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to use it."

Love is a tricky, dangerous word. It leaves you open to fear, heartache and sadness, but also to beauty, life and a feeling of utter joy. You have to really, really push for it though. Do not accept the way things are simply OK because you're afraid. You are worth more than you know. So don't strive for just good, strive for great, but always do so with unyielding respect for one another. Treat those you love the way you love them.

In that same vein, i'm reminded of the time someone I hold very dearly once asked me to be their,"Superman", which to this day still makes me proud. It was not asked with the expectation of flight, heat vision, or super strength. That's not the draw of Superman to me. The draw is in his inspiration, what he motivates others to do. Its that internal strength, that moral compass that I envy. The drive to always do good, to be better. I don't think I posses that, and I don't know if I ever will, but i'd like to try. I'm no hero, just someone with crazy ideas and a desire to see others be happy and succeed, regardless of their background. We need equality on this planet, otherwise we will die as a species. 

We all serve a purpose, and the sooner we let everyone realize that, they better off we'll be. Demeaning those who look, speak, think or act different gets us absolutely no where. We might be our only hope for our future. Its a vast unknown beyond this rock, and we might be all we have...so instead of trying to divide and conquer, why not unite and persevere?

In the end it should not be how you die, its how you live. Did you live with passion, with conviction, with honor, with dignity? If someone to remembers you, ages later for any of those reasons, then you've lived. To know that you've made a positive impact in any way, big or small on someone is to know that you mattered. I'd like to think a lot of want at least that...to matter.

My Bucket List

I might wind up transitioning this to its own blog at some point, but for now, here it is in all it's glory. All bloded and underlined items have been completed.

1]Find the one.

2]Change someone's life for the better.
3]Do a lap at Daytona and Indy in my vehicle.
4]Go on a cross country road trip(this could be its own bucket list/blog. Stay tuned). -So far I've driven to Chicago and D.C.
5]Cook thanksgiving dinner.
6]Complete a state magnet collection.
7]Run the NYC marathon. -Nov. 2017!
8]Write a message in wet cement.
9]See the northern lights
10]Walk the big NYC bridges. -So far I've done the Verazzano, Brooklyn, Queensborough, Willis Ave., Koszucio
11]Climb a Worlds Fair Tower.
12]Tour Hart Island.
13]Walk around Manhattan.
14]Meet a President.
15]Fix an old pickup.
16]Kiss in the rain.
17]Mix m&m's and skittles in a bowl and see what happens.
18]Get to the top of the Chrysler Building.
19]Dye my hair lime green.
20]Rebuild my Grandmothers house.
21]Build an accurate Airwolf replica out of LEGO.
22]Cut a giant ribbon with giant scissors.
23]Fly with the Blue Angels.
24]Watch the snow fall on a field with the girl of my dreams.
25]Go on a running date.
26]Play hide and seek in IKEA.
27]Eat In An Underwater Restaurant.
28]Make Ice Cream.
29]Cook A Turducken.
30]Have a paint fight with the girl of my dreams.
31]Go apple picking. - Done Oct. 2018!
32]Drive Route 66.
33]Learn How To Use A Bo Staff.
34]Have a picnic in Brooklyn Bridge park.
35]Slide down a bowling alley lane.
36]Drive a speedboat.
37]See a tornado in a field/Go Storm Chasing.
38]Watch a slinky go down the stairs. -Done Jan. 2020!
39]Send and get a reply for a message in a bottle.
40]Complete a Rubik cube.
41]Drive a Corvette and Lamborghini Countach.
42]Ride the Cyclone.
43]Go to a live tv taping.
44]Go to all 5 boroughs in one day. -Did this the day of the marathon! Nov2017
45]Go scuba diving.
46]Have Dinner at Tavern on The Green.
47]Sit in a Batmobile.
48]Make homemade Cheez-It's.
49]Slap someone with a fish.
50]Drive a big or famous boat.
51]Play a game of chess.
52]Write more letters. -Ongoing.
53]Finish Super Mario Bros. for NES.
54]Make tacos. - Done! Jan.2017
55]Successfully complete a "Dukes of Hazard" style hood slide on a car.
56]Work a job that makes me happy.
57]Carve something out of Spam. Do not eat it.
58]Ride in a motorcycle sidecar.
59]Run a 5K dressed as the Flash.
60]Duct tape someone to a ceiling or wall.
61]Swing from a rope into a lake.
62]Sleep under the stars on the beach with the girl of my dreams.
63]Legally get inside the Grand Central Terminal sub-basement.
64]Make a garbage bag sized water balloon and drop it off a roof.
65]Learn Archery. -Done! June 2016, Thanks Mari, Elyse and Lauren!
66]Go whitewater rafting.
67]Ride a mattress down a snowy or muddy hill.
68]Acquire a piece of P.S. 11
69]Eat an oyster.
70]Sculpt Superman out of clay.
71]Eat an entire pizza. -Done! Oct. 2017
72]Go ziplining.
73]Leave a note in a library book or bookstore book.
74]Walk up a lighthouse.
75]Have a paper airplane race in a mall.
76]Finish a coloring book.
77]Have a Lightsaber battle in public.
78]Meet a Superman actor.
79]Plant a tree.
80]Hit an apple with a baseball bat.
81]Publish a book.
82]Own a piece of space-flown NASA material.
83]Enter an eating contest.
84]Build a tree house.
85]Tour the Jelly Belly factory.
86]Do a then/now photo shoot.
87]Go snow-tubing.
88]Swim with turtles.
89]Drive Bigfoot.
90]Get dunked by a giant Gatorade jug.
91]Clean a hotel room before the maids.
92]Slide down a giant water slide.
93]Jump a ramp on a jetski.
94]Make homemade bagels that actually taste good.
95]Attend a hockey game.
96]Drive at Bonneville Salt Flats.
97]Do a photo shoot at AMARC.
98]Mount a cow or Mythosaur or Krayt dragon skull to the front of my vehicle.
99]Make a potato alarm clock.
100]Eat a decade old Twinkie.
101]Acquire the 1992 Hess truck. -Done! Feb.2018, Thanks Billy and Dawn!
102]Blow a train horn.
103]Go swimming in honey.
104]See all the space shuttles.
105]Steal a pen from the White House.
106]Go fishing or swimming in Washington Square Park fountain.
107]See a white Christmas(snow has to start on xmas eve and accumulate at least 4 inches into Christmas morning/day).
108]Have my work exhibited in a Photography museum.
109]Go to CNN HQ, ask what it is, hope they say, "This is CNN." and leave.
110]Meet a cop with the first name of Dan, watch him arrest someone so I can say, "Book em, Danno."
111]Go to Coke HQ wearing a Pepsi shirt.
112]Wreck something with a front end loader.
113]Go to a Cubs game.
114]Learn how to weld and make a book holder out of steel plates in the shape of my initials.
115]Cosplay as Tim Drake 90's Robin.
116]Set up a really good Lionel train display with my dad's trains.
117]Dive to Challenger Deep.
118]Hit a home run at a softball game, or a minor league ballpark.
119]Go to Mardi-Gras.
120]Make a house out of toothpicks.
121]Have an underwater kiss.
122]Interview my favorite people for a Youtube show or podcast.
123]Do the Empire State Building run-up.
124]Buy a book for a random stranger.
125]Go to Quoddy Point for New Years Eve.
126]Take a picture at the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota, send to Weird Al & have him autograph it.
127]Attempt to run the Badwater marathon, finishing is another story.
128]Have an astronaut sign a can of Tang.
129]Watch a Roller Derby live.                
130]Work at San Diego Comic Con for at least a shift.
131]Install field turf instead of buying a carpet.
132]See the 4th of July Fireworks from Roosevelt Island.
133]Go to the Thanksgiving parade.
134]Go on a transatlantic cruise.
125]Read "War and Peace."
126]Find a secret spot with the gal of my dreams.
127]Donate to new charity each month for a year. - Done! 2021 
128]Bake cookies with the gal I love.
129]Make a fairly accurate Empire State Building or WTC sand castle.
130]Photograph someone on an empty railroad track.
131]At some point binge watch Dr. Who. -I started.(April 2017)
132]Take cute photos with a gal in a photo booth.
133]Learn how to kick box.
134]Visit Mianus.
135]Wear clogs for a whole day.
136]Attend Bristol night NASCAR race.
137]Go on a stargazing date.
138]Outdoor hot-tub in the snow.
139]Watch a sunset with someone while having a great chat.
140]Touch the Canon 1200mm lens.
141]Open a lava lamp.
142]Do at least one voice over acting role.
143]Drive a DeLorean and reach 88mph.
144]Make a gingerbread house. -Done! Dec.2022
145]Build my ideal desk.
146]Buildd Jupiter 2 out of LEGO.
147]Be photographed by Google Streetview.
148]Release a paper airplane from the top of Rockefeller Center.
149]Legally reach the top of the Verrazano bridge.
150]Get photographed diving for a volleyball.
151]Wear a Yankee hat to fenway.
152]Put soap in a fountain.
153]Build a brick bbq.
154]Knit a hat.
155]Dive in Alvin.
156]Get a Polaroid camera. -Done! fall 2017
157]Drive a fire truck.
158]Put a small bit of Washington D.C. reflecting pool water in a bottle.
159]Walk every path in Central Park.
160]Operate a true size remote control R2D2.
161]Go surfing in San Diego.
162]Covert my VHS Tapes to a more stable medium.
163]Do a stunt scene with Jessie Graff.
164]Eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's in one sitting, in January. -Done!Jan,2017
165]Photograph lightning hitting the Empire State Building.
166]Mail a potato.
167]Enjoy a beach bonfire with friends.
168]Have a Chinese food date.
169]Go to a Packers game just for the experience.
170]Be drawn or painted by Todd Nauck or Alex Ross.
171]Walk the Grand Canyon skywalk, look down and laugh in terror.
172]Do a polar plunge.
173]Attend an Olympic event.
174]Have a picnic with the gal of my dreams.
175]Go kite surfing in a storm.
176]Acquire a piece of Meteorite.
177]See a manned space launch.
178]Go on a library date.
179]Make a hamburger in the shape of the USA.
180]Build a baseball out of LEGO.
181]Make a functional surfboard out of Duct Tape and cardboard.
182]Send a Go-Pro into space on a weather balloon.
183]Have cherry pie a'la mode in a Gazebo on a summer day.
184]Gold leaf a brick.
185]Get a screenshot of me on the Jackson Hole town Sq and/or Vegas strip webcam.
186]Make someone belly laugh. -Done! Lauren, Oct, 2017
187]Get a punching bag. - Done! June 2021 
188]Go tech-free for 24 hours.
189]Learn morse code.
190]Catch A foul ball.
191]Be on someone's Youtube channel.
192]Draw on a street with chalk.
193]Trick someone with the Mentos/Diet Soda geyser.
194]Choose Chewbacca as a write-in candidate for an election.
195]Write a movie script.
196]Make breakfast in bed for the girl of my dreams.
197]Enter a butter carving contest.
198]Use a giant wrench.
199]Acquire an airstream trailer.
200]Be happy with the girl I love.

Don't Profit, Don't Be Late.

   I'm an emotional guy in a time when that's still not well accepted, I wanna get that out and in the open now.

   Yesterday's passing of Cranberrieslead singer Dolores O'Riordan hit me in a way I didn't anticipate. I was a fan of thier music, but not to the point of which it'd stop me in my tracks, but I appreciated them and the fact they took pride in their Irish heritage.

   What struck me most is, I remember moments when I was listening to thier songs as,"new"...now it's all but classic rock which is...sobering. She and time will dictate how my generation is viewed, that fact is not lost on me.

   This past October, I lost a friend, Marcus, who I sadly didn't get the opportunity to get to know as well as I would have liked, yet that also struck me in a far heavier way than I thought.

   Life is precious, the masses will say at times like this. It's a cliche that borders on white noise, but it is true. What,  moreover is true, is that time is what really is precious. Time and those you choose to spend it with.

   Spend it with the quiet people. They often have good things to share. They observe quite well.

   Spend it with the boisterous people, they'll break ice quite well.

   Spend it with the young. You'll find that thier views on the world are full of hope and wonder.

   Spend it with the old, for they have experienced more and have valuable lessons to teach.

   But do not spend too much time alone. The people we surround ourselves with make us who we are.