Years ago around this time, I took a walk. It was a short walk, but one that was important. It was a graduation walk, one that would see a journey of years end in a few moments of joy and hope.
Since then, I have, at times, such as now, found hope to be an audacious thing, an absurd thing, and a wretched thing. The notion that, despite all odds, some magical unseen, unrelenting force would impose its will of goodness on you in the most dire of times and lift you to happiness and joy? Bah. Impossible I thought...and at times still do.
That rampant cynicism that has latched itself onto me is still there, still prevalent, but from time to time slightly erodes and is replaced with a stubbornness that, while annoying, offers me the opportunity to look at were once unconquerable scenarios and say, "No, fuck you, i'm tired of your bullshit.". It's fun actually. To be so annoyed by the way things have gone that some part of your id has this willpower to push on just to piss off the supposed, "forces" that try and keep you down and attempt to make you unhappy and miserable.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still be the same cynical son of a bitch I was, but I can do it with a smile, and a twinge of happiness. It actually is a bit of a good thing.
Many times recently I've found myself very close to just giving up, unsure as to why i'm willing to hang on. I'm just that kinda stupid I guess. The kind of stupid that knows pain, but also knows pain is temporary, and in many cases very much worth the hurt, tears and occasional scream. Life is never going to perfect all the time, I've long since come to terms with that. That kind of perfection is not the least bit ideal anyway. Perfection like that offers no failures, and failures are what gives one the experience to grow as a person.
Often times, it will lead to feeling world weary and aching. I remember being not weary, but proud as I received my diploma years ago. It had taken a while, yes, but for that moment, I walked with a new sense of pride of vigor. It was as if that internal monologue of doubt and self pity had been silenced for just enough time to finally enjoy something.
Everyone has that inner monologue, mine wears heavy boots and is often quite loud. There's the rational side, who will analyze a problem, present the best possible solution and go for that. Then there's the irrational side who starts every idea with,"let's build a ramp. What could possibly go wrong?" A lot of the time that part gets the best of me, you see, I'm not always....great with words, though I am fond of them. Occasionally Mr. Irrational goes a lil too far. Life with Asperger's, anxiety, PTSD and depression...among other things I guess.
Some people have said to me that all those labels make it easier to accept failure. I say sometimes in life you have to fail at taking a chance at doing what you love - knowing for the most part it wasn't gonna go well to begin with, just to better yourself for the long-term. Failing upwards I believe is the term. I'm not happy i'm failing, but I will try and become better through it.
Improvement is a bit tough to achieve when it comes to personal growth for many people it seems, at least for me it is. A lot of people are content with the status quo. I'm not. I know things can be better, we as a society can improve, and i'm not talking strictly about technologically.
I'm actually slowly starting to hate technology. I believe it's making us to lazy, and shortening our attention spans, and hell, its not even being used correctly.
Take the phone for example, I was having this conversation with a friend a few weeks ago and she mentioned she doesn't even use it to call people, and sometimes intentionally ignores even it's main "second use", texting. Look, if someone wants to reach out, reach back. The phone works both ways, It works many ways in fact, so when someone calls you, texts you, messages you, or in general - contacts you, get back to them, even if its hard on you, it makes them feel a lil less pathetic.
Maybe i'm just old fashioned, or an old soul living in a young-ish body...that will age by another turn around the sun next week. So there's that to look forward to. As I look down the tunnel of another year gone by, I, as usual, get retrospective. What have I done in the past year that was productive? Not as much as i'd like. I've lost more than I've gained.
But there was that one day in November I did something a little impressive. At least others seem to think it was. To me it was just 26.2 miles or running.
I'm not just saying this because I do it, but everyone should try running. It actually lowers your heart rate and blood pressure after a while, at least it does with me. Try to keep at it. You don't have to run a marathon or even a 5k, just get out there and feel the breeze, be free. To get near your happy place.
I don't remember many times as of late when I was truly truly happy...honestly, I can probably count them on one hand. I feel alone most of the time, and I hate it. I know, like everyone, I come with baggage, maybe more so than most, but, its hard not to take it personally sometimes. Its downright depressing in fact.
I once looked at someone and felt totally vulnerable and I was, and still am OK with it to be flat out honest. Its that vulnerability that ensures your trust in another individual. After all, Its been said that, "true love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to use it."
Love is a tricky, dangerous word. It leaves you open to fear, heartache and sadness, but also to beauty, life and a feeling of utter joy. You have to really, really push for it though. Do not accept the way things are simply OK because you're afraid. You are worth more than you know. So don't strive for just good, strive for great, but always do so with unyielding respect for one another. Treat those you love the way you love them.
We all serve a purpose, and the sooner we let everyone realize that, they better off we'll be. Demeaning those who look, speak, think or act different gets us absolutely no where. We might be our only hope for our future. Its a vast unknown beyond this rock, and we might be all we have...so instead of trying to divide and conquer, why not unite and persevere?
In the end it should not be how you die, its how you live. Did you live with passion, with conviction, with honor, with dignity? If someone to remembers you, ages later for any of those reasons, then you've lived. To know that you've made a positive impact in any way, big or small on someone is to know that you mattered. I'd like to think a lot of want at least that...to matter.
Since then, I have, at times, such as now, found hope to be an audacious thing, an absurd thing, and a wretched thing. The notion that, despite all odds, some magical unseen, unrelenting force would impose its will of goodness on you in the most dire of times and lift you to happiness and joy? Bah. Impossible I thought...and at times still do.
That rampant cynicism that has latched itself onto me is still there, still prevalent, but from time to time slightly erodes and is replaced with a stubbornness that, while annoying, offers me the opportunity to look at were once unconquerable scenarios and say, "No, fuck you, i'm tired of your bullshit.". It's fun actually. To be so annoyed by the way things have gone that some part of your id has this willpower to push on just to piss off the supposed, "forces" that try and keep you down and attempt to make you unhappy and miserable.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still be the same cynical son of a bitch I was, but I can do it with a smile, and a twinge of happiness. It actually is a bit of a good thing.
Many times recently I've found myself very close to just giving up, unsure as to why i'm willing to hang on. I'm just that kinda stupid I guess. The kind of stupid that knows pain, but also knows pain is temporary, and in many cases very much worth the hurt, tears and occasional scream. Life is never going to perfect all the time, I've long since come to terms with that. That kind of perfection is not the least bit ideal anyway. Perfection like that offers no failures, and failures are what gives one the experience to grow as a person.
Often times, it will lead to feeling world weary and aching. I remember being not weary, but proud as I received my diploma years ago. It had taken a while, yes, but for that moment, I walked with a new sense of pride of vigor. It was as if that internal monologue of doubt and self pity had been silenced for just enough time to finally enjoy something.
Everyone has that inner monologue, mine wears heavy boots and is often quite loud. There's the rational side, who will analyze a problem, present the best possible solution and go for that. Then there's the irrational side who starts every idea with,"let's build a ramp. What could possibly go wrong?" A lot of the time that part gets the best of me, you see, I'm not always....great with words, though I am fond of them. Occasionally Mr. Irrational goes a lil too far. Life with Asperger's, anxiety, PTSD and depression...among other things I guess.
Some people have said to me that all those labels make it easier to accept failure. I say sometimes in life you have to fail at taking a chance at doing what you love - knowing for the most part it wasn't gonna go well to begin with, just to better yourself for the long-term. Failing upwards I believe is the term. I'm not happy i'm failing, but I will try and become better through it.
Improvement is a bit tough to achieve when it comes to personal growth for many people it seems, at least for me it is. A lot of people are content with the status quo. I'm not. I know things can be better, we as a society can improve, and i'm not talking strictly about technologically.
I'm actually slowly starting to hate technology. I believe it's making us to lazy, and shortening our attention spans, and hell, its not even being used correctly.
Take the phone for example, I was having this conversation with a friend a few weeks ago and she mentioned she doesn't even use it to call people, and sometimes intentionally ignores even it's main "second use", texting. Look, if someone wants to reach out, reach back. The phone works both ways, It works many ways in fact, so when someone calls you, texts you, messages you, or in general - contacts you, get back to them, even if its hard on you, it makes them feel a lil less pathetic.
Maybe i'm just old fashioned, or an old soul living in a young-ish body...that will age by another turn around the sun next week. So there's that to look forward to. As I look down the tunnel of another year gone by, I, as usual, get retrospective. What have I done in the past year that was productive? Not as much as i'd like. I've lost more than I've gained.
But there was that one day in November I did something a little impressive. At least others seem to think it was. To me it was just 26.2 miles or running.
I'm not just saying this because I do it, but everyone should try running. It actually lowers your heart rate and blood pressure after a while, at least it does with me. Try to keep at it. You don't have to run a marathon or even a 5k, just get out there and feel the breeze, be free. To get near your happy place.
I don't remember many times as of late when I was truly truly happy...honestly, I can probably count them on one hand. I feel alone most of the time, and I hate it. I know, like everyone, I come with baggage, maybe more so than most, but, its hard not to take it personally sometimes. Its downright depressing in fact.
I once looked at someone and felt totally vulnerable and I was, and still am OK with it to be flat out honest. Its that vulnerability that ensures your trust in another individual. After all, Its been said that, "true love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to use it."
Love is a tricky, dangerous word. It leaves you open to fear, heartache and sadness, but also to beauty, life and a feeling of utter joy. You have to really, really push for it though. Do not accept the way things are simply OK because you're afraid. You are worth more than you know. So don't strive for just good, strive for great, but always do so with unyielding respect for one another. Treat those you love the way you love them.
In that same vein, i'm reminded of the time someone I hold very dearly once asked me to be their,"Superman", which to this day still makes me proud. It was not asked with the expectation of flight, heat vision, or super strength. That's not the draw of Superman to me. The draw is in his inspiration, what he motivates others to do. Its that internal strength, that moral compass that I envy. The drive to always do good, to be better. I don't think I posses that, and I don't know if I ever will, but i'd like to try. I'm no hero, just someone with crazy ideas and a desire to see others be happy and succeed, regardless of their background. We need equality on this planet, otherwise we will die as a species.
In the end it should not be how you die, its how you live. Did you live with passion, with conviction, with honor, with dignity? If someone to remembers you, ages later for any of those reasons, then you've lived. To know that you've made a positive impact in any way, big or small on someone is to know that you mattered. I'd like to think a lot of want at least that...to matter.
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