You Mean Santa Wrapped Them

 I still found myself writing up a Christmas List this year, despite my being full - on "into adulthood" age. Its essentially the same list i've given to family members for years now with items moved around. I don't want to give the list, but they ask for it, and I can't not do a tradition. I don't like asking for these things. Not anymore. It feels so childish and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. And do I really need anything? No....well...I do need a new vehicle, and I really do want Jessie Graff, but I don't need another book right now. I don't need a potato chip in the shape of Illinois either. But tradition.

This time of year has always been about tradition for me, more so than any other point in the year. This year however, it feels different. It feels rushed, yet simultaneously tiring. Maybe its the crippling depression, maybe its because Thanksgiving came later in the calendar, who knows really? What I do know is that its been a struggle. To get gifts, to cook and clean, and do it with one arm that is just getting used to being used again. Thanks to Dr. Panov. 

I struggled so much with a lot this year and lost a lot that i'm just done with it mostly. Somewhat waiting for the year to dump one last surprise on me and then i'm done. 

I'm not a fan of surprises usually. they're often bad news loaded, or just not worthy of the term, "Surprise." Then there's always this fear I have that if it is a "good" surprise, I have to react a certain way, and if I don't i've offended the other person. 

This is never my intent however, it's just how the Asperger's or whatever I have makes my mind work. I am also fearful of what I perceive to be hundreds or thousands of people suddenly stopping what they're doing to solely focus on me for that moment. And then I just wanna run and hide. That's why I think the people who propose at like...a baseball game or whatnot are psychotic.

That was kind of a long winded explanation, sorry. But hey, meandering exposition is kind of my thing though, I suppose.

So, I don't think i'll be getting any surprises...but the sick thing is, I kinda want one. A good one anyway, just to kinda send the year off right. 

I want that surprise Christmas kiss or visit from someone unexpected. Maybe if I get that one victory, even at the last minute, all the failures of the year, all the missteps, all the shit...it won't be as bad.  

I need it because i'm worried about next year. Here's where my crazy Asperger's comes out. Or maybe its superstition. Or both. 

Years ending in 3 haven't been kind to me in recent years. 2003 - between losing my mom and job, busting my arm twice, and having my best friend desert me, might have been the worst year of my life.

2013 wasn't much better. I struggled with a work/last year of school balance, and lost both my cousin and my uncle. 

My father and my aunt are up there in age, so theres the constant fear surrounding them. That will keep me on my toes. Then theres the "Chaotic Evil" possibility. The random bad happenstance, that even me, in my master planner mind can't account for. I can't be in a constant state of worry though. It's not healthy, and it's just not sane. I also just don't like it. I don't like always thinking of what could go wrong and say, "I told ya." I hate being that guy. I wanna kick that guy in the balls. 

I want to be the guy who sees good things coming and plans for them. And I hope to. I already plan on getting my "Always Looking Up: The Happiness Project" photo series back up and running, with a new direction and focus in mind, thanks to Dr. Leaver on that one.

I want to at least start a major chunk of the leg-work on the road trip. 

I hope to get a bunch more photo projects done.

So theres things I can focus on that are good. I just need to laser focus on them. (Maybe I should get an actual laser too. That'd be swell. Dangerous, but swell. I really thought by this point in our timeline, lasers would be more commonplace, but we as a species have barely learned how to correctly use an air-fryer at this point so maybe we can hold off on the lasers.)

Another thing thats got me down lately is the crushing loneliness. I get that i'm not always fun to be around, with the arm, the Parkinson's, and the fact that i'm so damn hot its intimidating(I'm also literally hot too, I sweat like a fat man staring at a canoe.), but I need to get out there with people again. 

Sure people have suggested Parkinson's support groups, and yes, i've tried some of them, and they were full of people literally 40-50+ years older than me. Not much shared experience there. Plus, and this is going to sound...I dunno, picky, or just messed up, or both, you choose, but every time someone brings up one of those groups, I feel like they're either shunning me off, or just saying, "Well I don't know what to do with you, so heres some other shaky stiffs," and thats not for me. I don't like being reminded of what I might became in that way. 

I'm not saying i'm above them or anything like that. I just don't want a reminder of, "hey, you're broken." I want to feel like I am still capable of being my old self to some extent.

So then I find myself...by myself. But dammit i'm going to fight it hard. I'm gonna regain that insane but good attitude of no fucks given to the narrow minded ilk. I remember on the first day of 5th grade I drew on my face with magic marker because I thought I was gonna honor Native Americans. In my head it made total sense, and even though it was random, in my mind I was doing the right thing.

I'm a little bit better informed now, and I feel like I can get the same...crux of that message across without the theatricality. But I can and still will do recklessly good. I don't know how, but i'm gonna make things better. Just watch me.

5 Bullets And A Broken Hope

   "I'm from Staten Island and I'm sorry," is how i often introduce myself to new people i meet in other parts of the city. It's not something I am proud to say. I wish I could speak about how beautiful this island is, with its beaches and untouched woods. I'd truly enjoy speaking about the great pizza and tasty Ralph's Ices, or tout Snug Harbor.

But no, first I have to defend myself from the stereotype that random Manhattan or -insert city/town/state here- is making. Because, before I even get to the, "Island", "Staten" is all they needed to hear before making their opinion. That opinion is likely even further cemented in their brain if they hail from the city.

They know of the laughing stock that is Richmond County. The forgotten borough, the family member you have to acknowledge but don't ever admit to being related to. That's us.

And you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm also sick of defending the racist, homophobic, xenophobic, epistemophobic(look it up.), and fascist lot of ignorance that has sunken its teeth into my home. For years, i'd be the, "Staten Island Apologist", hopelessly defending the backwater, backwards and outdated mindset of a place so far behind the times, its a wonder that we have working power and water.

Yesterdays disgusting farce of a parade down Forest Ave once again threw Staten Island into the forefront of national news. This time for banning an openly bi-sexual Pageant queen from marching. "Security concerns" was the reason given. This is lie. Admitting the truth, the parade is organized by a homophobic organization, would be, "pandering to the liberal snowflakes." as a random Staten Islander would say as he chugs a beer on his front lawn, which is adorned with "America: Love it or leave it" signs. Watch out George Washington, we have ourselves a real patriot here.

And with those actions, we went from a laughing stock - to the signal fire at the top of everything that is wrong with the current state of the world.

I saw an episode of, "The Simpsons" the other day. It was the one where the family is watching TV, which is showing a program like "Taxicab Confessions", wherein a drunken Homer enters the car. After a brief exchange, clairvoyant and sharp witted as ever, Lisa, with deadpans, "Another proud moment for the Simpsons." A prediction proved accurate as Homer verbally eviscerates his family. I sympathize with Lisa here. Every time I hear Staten Island mentioned on any news program, or see it mentioned in any article, I cringe as it is almost always in a negative light. And island residents do little or nothing to defend itself from the negativity. In fact, it sometimes almost seems to double down on it.

A prime example of this is what happened here in 2016. An island man had a local, "artist" erect a giant letter, "T" in his front lawn, to, "honor" the criminal who would steal the presidency. This resident knew it would be divisive. This due to the fact that, surprisingly, not everyone on this island supports someone who puts people in cages. Nor do they support someone who brags about sexually assaulting women. The sign would subsequently be set ablaze. One might think the story ends here, with the man admitting defeat and let his 5 minutes of fame fade.

But no, undaunted and in a show of true Staten Island bullheadedness, the, "artist" returned, this time erecting a bigger sign. This example only furthers the complete and total lunacy that this island displays day in and day out.

In a time where where vitriol and toxicity reign, this island does not look to engage in peaceful debate. It instead resorts into shouting matches and hate speak. We get enough of that from 1600 Pennsylvania ave. I don't want to deal with it during what should have been a celebration of Irish heritage and culture.

And don't for one second hide behind the bible. For one, I an atheist, am not governed by a textbook that tells me i'm a bad human for not going bowing down for forgiveness because I saw a breast on a TV show, while the man in the silly Jedi-robes gets away with touching little kids. Isn't it odd that the rules only apply for your conveniences, not everyone's, even though, "God loves all creatures?" Except the tan and brown ones right? They don't belong on,"your island" right? Nope, can't have diversity, because then we might not be able to elect a rich old white man into power? Thats the Staten Island way. And screw anyone who thinks otherwise.

This island is a backwards thinking sinkhole. In fact, the response to African Americans and other people of color asking to not be harassed by authorities for doing nothing other than walking, driving or even sitting on their front porch? A whole wave of pro-police, anti-black sentiment rose up. People of color politely and respectfully request the same common decency any white person would get. They were met with a stubborn wall of ignorance and hate.

Island residents beg and cry for a Whole-Foods or a Wegmans or -insert random company here- to open up on the island. Then when said company declines, the residents cry out in shame, "Why?!" Well, maybe, just maybe, some companies don't want to be associated with the type of populace this island seems to put on center stage? Whole Foods is known as a company that caters to those who support sustainability and environmental growth. You know, the way must upward beings do? Meanwhile, Staten Islanders align themselves with a, "man" who denies climate change is a real. He blatantly altered a weather map to, "prove" he was right, and has done more harm to our planets future than any other one person on the planet.

It is impossible to stand up anymore and offer this island to the masses and say "You're welcome here." I've tried, I really have. I've been a staunch supporter of showcasing the good, the potential for the island, then I hear the voices of the clueless. One of those being the city councilman who's answer to the lack of support from the city is to, "secede", that is to say, become our own city. This is an idea that has been floated around from time to time but has thankfully never gotten much traction. It is always seen as the, "Child who doesn't get what they want so they draw on the wall with markers to get attention." type of argument.

For a moment, lets pretend for a moment that the secession movement was successful. That we did gain our, "independence" from the big bad city. What then? Where would our newfound city get its money? Taxes. Those taxes would go through the roof like a Saturn V rocket. All those city services we do have now, police, fire, schools, they'd no longer be run by NYC, so we'd need to get that money somewhere...where....i know! more taxes! You think bridge tolls are bad now, just wait until the city of Staten Island gets on the map. You'll never leave again, which is maybe what some people want. They want to be insulated in their own bubble of,"maga, maga, maga, liberals are bad, deport all immigrants!"

Well fine, if that's what you want then go for it, because when it fails, i'll do nothing. Those of us who truly care about humanity and common decency and love and inclusion will long ago have laid down our arms. I say we because I know that I am not alone. I know there are good, kind, smart and caring people on this island. I see you, and I hang my head in shame with you, because I know that you too have tried, and simply grown to weary of it all.

"If you don't like it then leave!" the ignorant punks will say. Unable, as always to see their ignorance will be their undoing. It's started already. The supposed,"Great big hope" for the island, the New York Wheel was to be the islands crown jewel, a majestic Ferris wheel. It was to have been hundreds of feet high on the tip of the island's north shore. All around would see it and gaze in wonder.

But alas, it would never come to be. Financial problems and construction problems would sink the wheel before it even got its massive legs into the ground. Another in the long list of failed projects that have scarred the island. From grand shopping halls, to immense waterfront parks, to even a few failed race tracks, this island is where great ideas go to die. Almost every developer runs into problems here. The reason is because on Staten Island, "we do things our way, and if you don't do things that way, you can leave," is again the stubborn answer. It's as if this island has an innate fear of anything that could make life better for its residents.

It's kind of funny that the two things the island is known for, the Staten Island Ferry and the Verrazzano Narrows bridge, are two ways to escape the island. If that isn't a sign to out of borough residents, I don't know what is.

When offered a chance at its first ever female president, they instead went with the most morally bankrupt individual on earth. They didn't do so because they claimed she had a, "Shoddy background." they didn't choose her because shes a woman, and that's different, to different for an island run by the male elite.

It's no surprise the city, state, country and world mock and deride us. We have done nothing to prove we are anything else than what they see us as. If it ever changes, maybe we'll get that ferry from Great Kills to Midtown. Maybe one day we will receive a proper city-run hospital so I don't have to wait with my father in the ER for 6 hours. Hey, its only a heart attack, they don't kill everyone, right? Maybe one day i'll be able to say to that pageant queen, "do you want to march with a pride flag, a banner, or both?"

But sadly, those days are far, far far away. This island should be ashamed of itself.