Peta is triggered. 

This song brings back PTSD memories from that damn sign language class.

Justin "I was almost Oliver Queen" Hartley 

Holiday season began like 8months ago girl. 

Nice to see Steve Urkel land on his feet. 

Why aren't they starting by calling in LLLLEEERRROOOYYYY JJJJEEEEENNNKKKKKKIIIIIINNNSSSSS!!!!!@???

Jeez its windy out. 

Not Quite Hill Valley, But Better.

Fresh Kills Landfill was a garbage dump covering 2,200 acres here on Staten Island. The name comes from the landfill's location along the banks of the Fresh Kills estuary on the western reaches of the Island. It opened in 1948 as a temporary landfill, but by 1955 became the largest landfill in the world, and pretty much had the word, "Temporary" removed." Falsely rumored to be visible from space, it became a lightning rod for controversy, and sadly became the only thing the Island would be associated with for decades to come.

At its peak, in 1986, It received 29,000 tons of residential waste a day. Comprised of four mounds ranging from 90 to over 200 feet tall, it was estimated that, if kept open, the landfill would have eventually reached a height of over 500 ft. At this height, it would have been taller then Staten Island's other high point, Todt Hill, making it the highest point on the Eastern seaboard. Fresh Kills held 150 million tons of waste.

It was structured like a layer cake, with a layer of garbage covered by a layer of ash, another layer of garbage, and then a layer of dirt in an attempt to contain the smell. Initially, the land where it was located was a salt marsh with forests, and tidal & freshwater wetlands. The subsoil was made up of clay & sand, with silt as the top layer of soil. The tidal marsh, which helped clean & oxygenate the water that passed through it. This was destroyed by the dump. Fauna was replaced with seagulls, and native plant species were driven out by common reed, a grass which grows abundantly in disturbed areas. Stagnant, de-oxygenated water was less attractive to waterfowl, decreasing their population.

An eyesore for years, intense community pressure and public outcry finally led to a state mandate being passed in 1996 requiring the landfill cease accepting waste by the end of 2001. With much fanfare, Fresh Kills received its last garbage barge on March 22, 2001.

In 1997, two of the four landfill mounds were closed and covered with a thick, impermeable cap. Capping of the West Mound was finished in 2018. Eight additional layers of barrier material separate the ground and the landfill beneath it. Several systems are in place to manage landfill gas & leachate byproducts. The Department of Sanitation(DSNY) works with the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation (NYSDEC) to meet regulations for environmentally sound landfill closure, and will continue operating on–site environmental monitoring & control for at least the next 30 years.

After September 11th, Fresh Kills was temporarily re-opened to be used as a crime lab for some of the rubble from Ground Zero. More than 1,600 personal effects were retrieved during this time. About 1.6 million tons of material from the World Trade Center Site was taken to the landfill for sorting. Thousands of detectives & forensic evidence specialists worked for months trying to recover remnants of the victims. A final count of 4,257 human remains were retrieved, yet only 300 people were identified from these remains. The search effort did not end until all discernible remains & effects were removed and taken to the Office of Chief Medical Examiner for identification and safekeeping. Remaining debris was buried in a 40-acre portion of the landfill.

Shortly after closing, but before the 9/11, the NYC Department of City Planning held an international design competition to find a landscape architecture firm to design a city park at the Fresh Kills. The winning proposal, announced in 2003, came from the firm James Corner Field Operations. A Draft Master Plan was released in March 2006. The Plan for what is now known as Freshkills Park - envisioned the site as five parks in one, each with a unique character & programming. Original design proposals were adjusted with input gathered in meetings & workshops between the project team,Staten Islanders and government officials. These outreach efforts led to design updates including; roads to ease traffic around the park, recreational uses such as kayaking, horseback riding, sports fields, and renewable energy projects, such as a solar farm and wind turbines.

Later that year, the NYC Parks Department became the lead city agency responsible for overseeing implementation of the plan. The Parks Dept. also had to meet the same NYSDEC regulations as DSNY, with no area of the park to be open to the public until it meets state standards for public access. Ensuring health and safety of visitors to the Park became the highest priority. DSNY established state-of-the-art environmental controls, making it a worldwide model for land reclamation & reuse.

A system of wells, trenches & pipes collects landfill byproducts & gases, sending them to nearby treatment plants. The gas is refined into natural gas and distributed to Staten Island residents for cooking & heating. With leachate, solid materials are separated from water and compressed into sludge cakes which are transported to other facilities, with clean water being reintroduced into Arthur Kill.

A majority of the funding to build the park has come from Mayoral capital funds, grants from the N.Y. State Department of State, the State Department of Parks, and the Federal Highway Administration through funding from the Congestion Mitigation & Air Quality Improvement Program.

The Freshkills Park Alliance was created as the not-for-profit partner that will work with the City to develop the Park. The Alliance helps ensure the Park’s evolution & will assist in raising necessary funds, promoting environmental research & ecological restoration, engaging advocates & volunteers, and sponsoring a range of recreational, cultural, and educational programs for the public. Initial projects are already underway with the U.S. Forest Service, CUNY’s College of Staten Island & Hunter College, among others. Partners in academia, museums, government, and the private sector are continually being sought in the interest of scientific research and additional funding opportunities.

While initially Only 700 acres were originally allocated for the park, a change in November 2013 allowed for all 2,200 acres to be used, making it three times the size of Central Park, and the largest park developed in New York City in over 100 years. So you can look forward to seeing the following in the coming years:

•The Confluence: 70 acres at the meeting point of the park’s two creeks, which will be the center of the park. Comprised of two major sections, the 50-acre Point & the 20-acre Creek Landing, the Confluence will be home to the visitor & information centers, restaurants, event spaces and landscapes for passive recreation. Waterborne access to the area has been proposed via waterways that previously allowed barge deliveries to the landfill.

•North Park: The 223-acre portion known as North Park will largely be devoted to wildlife, featuring the William T. Davis refuge, along with running/walking/hiking and bike trails. There are also plans for bird watching structures, hilltop picnic areas, an eco-education center, and a floating dock for canoe access. Construction of North Park began in 2010, and In October 2012, Schmul Park opened to the public. Formerly an asphalt & chain-link fence playground, it was restored with new play surfaces, basketball & handball courts & native plants.

•South Park(No, not that one.): Like North Park, this 425-acre part of the park will feature a significant amount of natural woodlands & wetlands, but also contain space for more active recreational uses like tennis & biking, and an equestrian center. In April 2013, Owl Hollow Fields part of the park opened with four new AstroTurf fields located near Arden Avenue & Arthur Kill Road.

•East Park: At 482 acres , it is proposed to feature meadows, trails, playing fields and picnic areas. Entrances for a vehicular road system along Richmond Avenue are expected to permit traffic through East Park toward the West Shore Expressway.

•West Park: The site of the 9/11 investigation, the West Park site is where debris was carefully screened. A monument to the September 11th attacks is planned to occupy this portion of the site with active recreational uses being kept away from the monument area.

Even though the park is not scheduled to be finished until 2035–37, the Parks Department reported in 2011 that nature was returning en masse to Fresh Kills, with two hundred different species of wildlife spotted, including; snapping turtles, osprey, red-winged blackbirds, American goldfinches, red-tailed hawks, tree swallows, and turkey vultures. The site has offered a unique opportunity to study biodiversity change in an urban setting.

While Freshkills Park continues its development, NYC Parks & Freshkills Park Alliance have hosted events & programs on the site. From 2010 through 2014, the highlight of these programs was the annual Sneak Peak where visitors had the chance to kayak, hike and bike, and fly kites on normally under construction sections of the park. Beginning in 2015, the Sneak Peak event was replaced by a host of programs regularly offered during the April through October season.

One such of these events, Discovery day, I happened to attend yesterday, Sept. 16th. and to say I was impressed would be a great understatement. This place has so much potential, it would be criminal for it not to follow through on its promise to return a blighted sight to glory. In fact, if the plan goes as expected, I fully expect it will make the dump all but a forgotten memory. 

There are portions that I walked on, North Park and East Park, wherein I felt as though I was in the middle of a Kansas cornfield, surrounded by utterly serene nothingness, which for someone used to the urban jungle of the big city is a much welcome reprieve. I found myself almost emotional in the vast green space. Many times throughout the day, I repeated to myself, "this cannot be the dump, this cannot be the dump." 

While a few signs of the past remain, such as small vents and piping, the transformation from trash heap to sanctuary is absolutely and utterly jaw dropping. The combined efforts of the Parks dept., DSNY, FreshKills Park Alliance, the contractors, and everyone involved with this project should be rewarded. It's gloriously refreshing to see what happens when real effort is put into something. 

Continuing on my way through the park, I felt at ease on the paved trail, denoting how great it will be to eventually run it. Never once did it feel like any of the 7 plus miles I walked was a slog. A minor complaint is certain sections lacked appropriate tree cover. This could prove difficult for some in the summertime. But i'm sure that will be addressed, and once ample tree cover is provided, it will be an incredible recreational refuge for untold millions, making Manhattans Central Park seem like a traffic island in comparison.

For far too long, Staten Island has been known as, "The Forgotten Borough", cast aside by glitzy Brooklyn or eclectic Queens. When this park is finished, we will finally take our rightful place as a beacon of environmental success that will drive the city unto the future. The nearly unbearable stench that assaulted shoppers sense of smell at the Staten Island mall is a thing of the past. Shoppers will soon be privy to what could be the greatest public works reclamation project of our time.

The amenities, lacking now, but anticipated later will be heartily welcomed for sure, as the only other downside to my visit was a lack of seating and available drinking fountains. Though with much of the site still under construction, this is understandable. I can see great potential for an amphitheater to host local bands- and maybe even global superstars, food carts or small restaurants(This was already announced, I hope they follow up with it, and go local - maybe a Mark's Bakery or Ralph's Ices outpost, or even another Nunzios pizza location), as well as a dock for the ever expanding NYC Ferry system in the future, perhaps even a garden or fruit orchard, I mean, we are the big apple, right?

For decades, this island has been where good, sometimes great ideas go to die. Movie studio at the former Stapleton navy base? Went no where. NASCAR track? That was a non-starter, and lets try and forget the debacle that was the N.Y. wheel project, and now its side project, the stone and glass monstrosity known as the Empire Outlets mall is already facing financial difficulty, and it hasn't been open for even six months.

But Freshkills Park, this, I tell you, will be Staten Island's savior. It's Kind of ironic when you really think about it. The garbage dump everyone looked at as the point of everything wrong with Staten Island will in the end, wind up being its savior.  

Steam Powered And Rogers Resolute

   I often find that time, the concept of it, is frightening, if for no other reason then the fact it's arbitrary in many aspects. You can't fight it, nor can you rewind it, you can't stop it, you just have to exist with it.

So when I look at the calendar in the corner of my screen and see that the year is 2018, following 3 numbers that have been seared into the collective consciousnesses of a generation, I wonder why I am still accompanied by temporal shock. Has this much time really transpired since then? "Can't be real.", I tell myself. Then I am reminded of Don Henley's tune, "In a New York Minute." He remarks on how, "everything can change." And my word has it ever.

We were all transformed that day, we became wholly different. Fearful. Hostile. A reflection of another point in time that we sought to distance ourselves from.

The days since have grown longer for many of us, and many of us have become more world weary and tired. Aching, Our feet our heavy with life, though we wouldn't admit as such, for admitting any weakness is an insult to the machismo and bravado some try so desperately to cling to, as if to admit to anyone that empathy is not welcome.

We desperately need to alter this outlook. We can be better. Our feet must be heavy and loud with optimism and yes, hope. A welcoming of emotion and humanity is very much a good thing.

Everyone of us is on a clock. That clock will run out. Maybe not today, maybe it will be in 20 years, 40 years, but at some point, it will run out. Our time is finite. Is living in fear and anger really the best use of that time?

I'm one of those annoying people who lets bad days stack like Lego bricks into a bad week, bad month, etc. Now, I don't know if you're like me, and wow do I hope you aren't...but if you are, at least in that aspect, you and me have to change that mindset fast.

Every year I write these monologues and I try, in my own minute way to not just illustrate my thoughts, but to stir others to action, to shake the dust of that day off and rise. Rise like my mothers favorite musician, Bruce Springsteen urged us all to do. It may be as simple as going out for a run or walk. Be Steadfast and unwavering. Be tenacious and posses boundless energy.

There is no reason not to. The urgency of the ever ticking clock should spur you to do more, do better, do good, because while the future is a mystery, why not try and make it a good one?

Swervin' Deloran

   Years ago around this time, I took a walk. It was a short walk, but one that was important. It was a graduation walk, one that would see a journey of years end in a few moments of joy and hope.

Since then, I have, at times, such as now, found hope to be an audacious thing, an absurd thing, and a wretched thing. The notion that, despite all odds, some magical unseen, unrelenting force would impose its will of goodness on you in the most dire of times and lift you to happiness and joy? Bah. Impossible I thought...and at times still do.

That rampant cynicism that has latched itself onto me is still there, still prevalent, but from time to time slightly erodes and is replaced with a stubbornness that, while annoying, offers me the opportunity to look at were once unconquerable scenarios and say, "No, fuck you, i'm tired of your bullshit.". It's fun actually. To be so annoyed by the way things have gone that some part of your id has this willpower to push on just to piss off the supposed, "forces" that try and keep you down and attempt to make you unhappy and miserable.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still be the same cynical son of a bitch I was, but I can do it with a smile, and a twinge of happiness. It actually is a bit of a good thing.

Many times recently I've found myself very close to just giving up, unsure as to why i'm willing to hang on. I'm just that kinda stupid I guess. The kind of stupid that knows pain, but also knows pain is temporary, and in many cases very much worth the hurt, tears and occasional scream. Life is never going to perfect all the time, I've long since come to terms with that. That kind of perfection is not the least bit ideal anyway. Perfection like that offers no failures, and failures are what gives one the experience to grow as a person.

Often times, it will lead to feeling world weary and aching. I remember being not weary, but proud as I received my diploma years ago. It had taken a while, yes, but for that moment, I walked with a new sense of pride of vigor. It was as if that internal monologue of doubt and self pity had been silenced for just enough time to finally enjoy something.

Everyone has that inner monologue, mine wears heavy boots and is often quite loud. There's the rational side, who will analyze a problem, present the best possible solution and go for that. Then there's the irrational side who starts every idea with,"let's build a ramp. What could possibly go wrong?" A lot of the time that part gets the best of me, you see, I'm not always....great with words, though I am fond of them. Occasionally Mr. Irrational goes a lil too far. Life with Asperger's, anxiety, PTSD and depression...among other things I guess.

Some people have said to me that all those labels make it easier to accept failure. I say sometimes in life you have to fail at taking a chance at doing what you love - knowing for the most part it wasn't gonna go well to begin with, just to better yourself for the long-term. Failing upwards I believe is the term. I'm not happy i'm failing, but I will try and become better through it.

Improvement is a bit tough to achieve when it comes to personal growth for many people it seems, at least for me it is. A lot of people are content with the status quo. I'm not. I know things can be better, we as a society can improve, and i'm not talking strictly about technologically.

I'm actually slowly starting to hate technology. I believe it's making us to lazy, and shortening our attention spans, and hell, its not even being used correctly.

Take the phone for example, I was having this conversation with a friend a few weeks ago and she mentioned she doesn't even use it to call people, and sometimes intentionally ignores even it's main "second use", texting. Look, if someone wants to reach out, reach back. The phone works both ways, It works many ways in fact, so when someone calls you, texts you, messages you, or in general - contacts you, get back to them, even if its hard on you, it makes them feel a lil less pathetic.

Maybe i'm just old fashioned, or an old soul living in a young-ish body...that will age by another turn around the sun next week. So there's that to look forward to. As I look down the tunnel of another year gone by, I, as usual, get retrospective. What have I done in the past year that was productive? Not as much as i'd like. I've lost more than I've gained.

But there was that one day in November I did something a little impressive. At least others seem to think it was. To me it was just 26.2 miles or running.

I'm not just saying this because I do it, but everyone should try running. It actually lowers your heart rate and blood pressure after a while, at least it does with me. Try to keep at it. You don't have to run a marathon or even a 5k, just get out there and feel the breeze, be free. To get near your happy place.

I don't remember many times as of late when I was truly truly happy...honestly, I can probably count them on one hand. I feel alone most of the time, and I hate it. I know, like everyone, I come with baggage, maybe more so than most, but, its hard not to take it personally sometimes. Its downright depressing in fact.

I once looked at someone and felt totally vulnerable and I was, and still am OK with it to be flat out honest. Its that vulnerability that ensures your trust in another individual. After all, Its been said that, "true love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to use it."

Love is a tricky, dangerous word. It leaves you open to fear, heartache and sadness, but also to beauty, life and a feeling of utter joy. You have to really, really push for it though. Do not accept the way things are simply OK because you're afraid. You are worth more than you know. So don't strive for just good, strive for great, but always do so with unyielding respect for one another. Treat those you love the way you love them.

In that same vein, i'm reminded of the time someone I hold very dearly once asked me to be their,"Superman", which to this day still makes me proud. It was not asked with the expectation of flight, heat vision, or super strength. That's not the draw of Superman to me. The draw is in his inspiration, what he motivates others to do. Its that internal strength, that moral compass that I envy. The drive to always do good, to be better. I don't think I posses that, and I don't know if I ever will, but i'd like to try. I'm no hero, just someone with crazy ideas and a desire to see others be happy and succeed, regardless of their background. We need equality on this planet, otherwise we will die as a species. 

We all serve a purpose, and the sooner we let everyone realize that, they better off we'll be. Demeaning those who look, speak, think or act different gets us absolutely no where. We might be our only hope for our future. Its a vast unknown beyond this rock, and we might be all we have...so instead of trying to divide and conquer, why not unite and persevere?

In the end it should not be how you die, its how you live. Did you live with passion, with conviction, with honor, with dignity? If someone to remembers you, ages later for any of those reasons, then you've lived. To know that you've made a positive impact in any way, big or small on someone is to know that you mattered. I'd like to think a lot of want at least that...to matter.

My Bucket List

I might wind up transitioning this to its own blog at some point, but for now, here it is in all it's glory. All bloded and underlined items have been completed.

1] Find the one. Enjoy life with her.

2] Change someone's life for the better.
3]Do a lap at full speed at Daytona and/or Indy in my vehicle.
4] Go on a cross country road trip(this will be its own bucket list/blog. Stay tuned). -So far I've driven to Chicago and D.C.
5] Cook thanksgiving dinner.
6] Complete a state magnet collection.(To be completed on the Road trip.)
7] Run the NYC marathon. -Done! Nov. 2017!
8] Write a message in wet cement.
9] See the northern lights
10]Walk the walkable NYC bridges. -So far I've done the Verazzano, Brooklyn, Queensborough, Willis Ave., Koszucio, Bayonne 
11] Climb a Worlds Fair Tower.
12] Help an old lady cross a street.
13] Walk around Manhattan, as in it's outer perimeter.
14] Meet a President.
15] Fix an old pickup.
16] Kiss in the rain.
17] Mix m&m's and skittles in a bowl and see what happens.
18] Get to the top of the Chrysler Building, legally of course.

19]] Rebuild my Grandmothers house.
20] Build an accurate Airwolf replica out of LEGO.
21] Cut a giant ribbon with giant scissors.
22] Fly with the Blue Angels.
23] Watch the snow fall on a field with the girl of my dreams.
24] Go on a running date.
25] Play hide and seek in IKEA.
26] Create a photo project blog.
27] Make Ice Cream.
28] Cook A Turducken.
29] Have a paint fight with the girl of my dreams.
30] Go apple picking. - Done Oct. 2018!
31] Drive Route 66.
32] Learn How To Use A Bo Staff. Do not but self in face or crotch.
33] Have a picnic in Brooklyn Bridge park.
34] Slide down a bowling alley lane.
35] See a tornado in a field/Go Storm Chasing.

36] Watch a slinky go down the stairs. -Done Jan. 2020!
37] Send and get a reply for a message in a bottle.
38] Complete a Rubik cube without assistance.
39] Drive a Corvette and Lamborghini Countach.
40] Ride the Cyclone.
41] Go to a live TV taping.
42] Go to all 5 boroughs in one day. -Did this the day of the marathon! Nov2017
43] Go scuba diving.
44] Have Dinner at Tavern on The Green.
45] Sit in a Batmobile.
46] Make homemade Cheez-It's.
47] Slap someone with a fish.
48] Drive a big or famous boat.
49] Play a game of chess.
50] Write more letters. -Ongoing.
51] Finish Super Mario Bros. for NES.
52] Make tacos. - Done! Jan.2017
53] Successfully complete a "Dukes of Hazard" style hood slide on a car.
54] Work a job that makes me happy.
55] Carve something out of Spam. Do not eat it.
56] Ride in a motorcycle sidecar.
57] Run a 5K dressed as the Flash.
58] Duct tape someone to a ceiling or wall.
59] Swing from a rope into a lake.
60] Sleep under the stars on the beach with the girl of my dreams.
61] Legally tour inside the Grand Central Terminal sub-basement.
62] Make a garbage bag sized water balloon and drop it off a roof.
63] Learn Archery. -Done! June 2016, Thanks Mari, Elyse and Lauren!
64] Go whitewater rafting.
65] Ride a mattress down a snowy or muddy hill.
66] Acquire a piece of my elementary school, P.S. 11
67] Eat an oyster.
68] Eat an entire pizza in one sitting. -Done! Oct. 2017
69] Go ziplining.
70] Leave a note in a library book or bookstore book. -Done! April 2024
71] Walk up a lighthouse.
72] Have a paper airplane race in a mall.
73] Finish a coloring book.
74] Have a Lightsaber battle in public.
75] Meet a Superman actor.
76] Plant a tree.
77] Hit an apple with a baseball bat.
78] Publish a book.
79] Own a piece of space-flown NASA material.
80] Enter an eating contest.
81] Build a tree house.
82] Be part of a then/now photo shoot.
83] Go snow-tubing.
84] Swim with turtles.

85] Drive Bigfoot.
86] Get dunked by a giant Gatorade jug.
87] Clean a hotel room before the maids.
88] Slide down a giant water slide.
89] Jump a ramp on a jetski.
90] Buy candy for someone randomly.
91] Attend a hockey game.
92] Drive my vehicle at the Bonneville Salt Flats.
93] Own a real movie prop.
94] Mount a cow or Star Wars Mythosaur or Krayt dragon skull to the front of my vehicle.
95] Make a potato alarm clock.
96] Eat a decade old Twinkie.
97] Acquire the 1992 Hess truck. -Done! Feb.2018, Thanks Billy and Dawn!
98] Blow a train horn.
99] Go swimming in honey.
100] See all the space shuttles.
101] Steal a pen from the White House must be before the idiot arrived and not during his time.
102] Go fishing in Washington Square Park fountain.
103] See a white Christmas(snow has to start on xmas eve and accumulate at least 4 inches into Christmas morning/day).
104] Have my work exhibited in a Photography museum.
105] Go to CNN HQ, ask what it is, hope they say, "This is CNN." and leave.
106] Meet a cop with the first name of Dan, watch him arrest someone so I can say, "Book em, Danno."
107] Go to Coke HQ wearing a Pepsi shirt.
108] Wreck something with a front end loader.
109] Go to a Chicago Cubs game.
110] Learn how to weld and make a book holder out of steel plates in the shape of my initials.
111] Set up a really good Lionel train display with my dad's trains.
112] Buy a random couple a meal.
113] Hit a home run at a softball game, or a minor league ballpark.
114] Go to Mardi-Gras.
115] Make a house out of toothpicks.
116] Have an underwater kiss.
117] Interview my favorite people for a Youtube show or podcast.
118] Attempt to do the Empire State Building run-up.
119] Buy a book for a random stranger.
120] Go to Quoddy Point for New Years Eve.
121] Take a picture at the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota, send to Weird Al & have him autograph it.
122] Attempt to run the Badwater marathon, finishing is another story.
123] Have an astronaut sign a can of Tang.

124] Work at San Diego Comic Con for at least a shift.
125] Install field turf instead of buying a carpet.
126] See the 4th of July Fireworks from Roosevelt Island.
127] Go on a transatlantic cruise.
128] Read "War and Peace."
129] Find a secret spot with the gal of my dreams.
130] Donate to new charity each month for a year. - Done! 2021, 2023
131] Bake cookies with the gal I love.
132] Make a fairly accurate Empire State Building or WTC sand castle.
133] Refocus my photography career. -Ongoing
134] At some point binge watch Dr. Who. -I started.(April 2017)
135] Take cute photos with a gal in a photo booth.
136] Learn how to kick box.
137] Visit Mianus,CT.
138] Wear clogs for a whole day.
139] Attend Bristol night NASCAR race.
140] Go on a stargazing date.
141] Outdoor hot-tub in the snow.
142] Watch a sunset or sunrise with someone while having a great chat.
143] Touch the Canon 1200mm lens.
144] Open a lava lamp. -Done! Jan,2025
145] Do at least one voice over acting role.
146] Drive a DeLorean and reach 88mph.
147] Make a gingerbread house. -Done! Dec.2022
148] Build my ideal desk.
149] Build Jupiter 2 out of LEGO.
150] Be photographed by Google Streetview.
151] Release a paper airplane from the top of a skyscraper.
152] Witness thundersnow& react like Jim Cantore.

153] Get photographed diving for a volleyball.
154] Wear a Yankee hat to fenway.
155] Put soap in a fountain.
156] Build a brick BBQ.
157] Knit a hat.
158] Dive in Alvin.
159]Get a Polaroid camera. -Done! fall 2017
160] Put a small bit of Washington D.C. reflecting pool water in a bottle.
161] Walk every path in Central Park.
162] Operate a true size remote control R2D2.
163] Covert my VHS Tapes to a more stable medium.
164] Do a stunt scene with Jessie Graff.
165] Eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's in one sitting, in January. -Done!Jan,2017
166] Call someone in power out on their transgressions.
167] Mail a potato to someone.
168] Enjoy a beach bonfire with friends.
169] Have a Chinese food date.
170] Be drawn or painted by Todd Nauck or Alex Ross.
171] Walk the Grand Canyon skywalk, look down and laugh in terror.
172] Do a polar plunge.
173] Attend an Olympic event.
174] Have a picnic with the gal of my dreams. 
175] Go kite surfing.
176] Acquire a piece of Meteorite.
177] See a manned space launch.
178] Go on a library date.
179] Make a hamburger in the shape of the USA.
180] Make a functional surfboard out of Duct Tape and cardboard.
181] Send a Go-Pro into space on a weather balloon.
182] Have cherry pie a'la mode in a Gazebo on a summer day.
183] Gold leaf a brick.
184] Get a screenshot of me on the Jackson Hole town Sq and/or Vegas strip webcam.
185] Make someone belly laugh. -Done! Lauren, Oct, 2017
186] Get a punching bag. - Done! June 2021 
187] Go tech-free for 24 hours.
188] Learn Morse code.
189] Catch A foul ball.
190] Draw on a street with chalk.   
191] Trick someone with the Mentos/Diet Soda geyser.
192] Choose Chewbacca as a write-in candidate for an election.
193] Make breakfast in bed for the girl of my dreams.
194] Use a giant wrench.
195] Be happy with the girl I love.

Don't Profit, Don't Be Late.

   I'm an emotional guy in a time when that's still not well accepted, I wanna get that out and in the open now.

   Yesterday's passing of Cranberrieslead singer Dolores O'Riordan hit me in a way I didn't anticipate. I was a fan of thier music, but not to the point of which it'd stop me in my tracks, but I appreciated them and the fact they took pride in their Irish heritage.

   What struck me most is, I remember moments when I was listening to thier songs as,"new"...now it's all but classic rock which is...sobering. She and time will dictate how my generation is viewed, that fact is not lost on me.

   This past October, I lost a friend, Marcus, who I sadly didn't get the opportunity to get to know as well as I would have liked, yet that also struck me in a far heavier way than I thought.

   Life is precious, the masses will say at times like this. It's a cliche that borders on white noise, but it is true. What,  moreover is true, is that time is what really is precious. Time and those you choose to spend it with.

   Spend it with the quiet people. They often have good things to share. They observe quite well.

   Spend it with the boisterous people, they'll break ice quite well.

   Spend it with the young. You'll find that thier views on the world are full of hope and wonder.

   Spend it with the old, for they have experienced more and have valuable lessons to teach.

   But do not spend too much time alone. The people we surround ourselves with make us who we are.

Nobody Calls Me Chicken

   In a few days, i'm going to run...quite far, because I want to. Today, a lot of people ran...because they had to. They literally ran for their lives.

   Once again, my city was the target of fear, of horror, and of cowards. I wish I could say this is a rarity in the world, or at least in my country, but sadly, it is becoming an all to common occurrence, one which I fear will become so common, it will one day be considered, "blase`", and carelessly forgotten. It is at  that moment, one that I hope never happens, that we will have truly given into fear and terror.

   We need to be shocked, scarred and frightened. We should not take this, or ANY attack lightly and, "carry on with our lives" as if nothing happened. People, innocent, good people died today. Innocent, good people died a month ago, nearly 60 of them, and has anything, anything at all changed? No. Will anything change after today? I hope so, but probably not, and if it does, I fear it will unjustly target those of a different religion and skin color.

   Terror...fear...it does not have a color. It has a mission. To hurt, kill and destroy. You cannot uniformly associate one group of people into that realm. It is xenophobic, racist, and simply put...not fair. We need to be better than that. We need to learn how to be kind, how to be inclusive, how to adapt and we just need to learn....how to learn.

   That's one way to fight this. We should not act wholly on our fears. Yes, we need to be cognizant of them, to acknowledge that they exist, but to let common sense and thoughtfulness take a side in our thought processes as well.

   I'm still running, not from fear, but in spite of it. So this Sunday, at 11am, I'm going to tighten my laces and run 26.2 miles. Sure, i'm scared. Of falling, going too slow, my legs giving out, getting a sock wedgie, or having Gatorade go down my nose(I don't have the best run/drink aim), but I won't let that deter me from going out there and kicking ass.

After Ascension

   Each year on this day I attempt to repeat the same schedule as I did 16 years prior, at least I try to. As the years pass, I have found life often alters the schedule. As a friend once said, "we plan and the universe laughs." Sometimes change like this can actually be for the better.

   That day is slowly beginning to fell like many years ago, and that actually scares me. The passage of time in general is quite sobering.

   The ruins of the chasm in lower Manhattan have been filled with the memories of a day forever frozen in memory. I, until this spring during a race, refused to set foot on that hallowed ground. "This is not my place", I thought, until the kindness of a friend imbued me with spirit and determination that made the open wound in my mind and soul begin to heal...just a bit.

   This is one of the many reasons why I run. It is healing, freeing, in a way, even though it can be at times tortuous, it lets the mind expand and breathe, giving birth to new ideas and thoughts, pushing the clutter aside.

   It seems as though we're sometime out of touch with ourselves and with others. And we need that to end. We need to learn how to make better use of what we have at our disposal.

   You may find that even what was a traumatic event, in many cases, becomes a learning experience. You grew and gained from it. Eventually, even, you might even become a better person from it. That is how we are supposed to grow as a species, as a culture.

   Yet, we're lately, we seem to be out of touch with ourselves and with others. And we need that to end. We need to learn how to make better use of what little time we have on this rock, what we have at our disposal, and utilize it to improve the world. We are not doing this right now.

   For example, Staten Island, while my home, no longer feels welcoming to me. A place I would once staunchly defend to no end has turned into a cesspool of bitterness and bigotry of which I fear there may not be a return from. This is something that was told to me by multiple people, all of whom I rebuked, until last year. We need to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask ourselves, "Have we really progressed as a culture, as a species?" I don't think so. If this is the best we can do, i'm not impressed.

   In fact, in light of the recent weather events, some people are claiming the, "end times" have finally arrived. Me being a staunch atheist, just sees it as a continuance of the cycle of life, albeit not a good one.

   Yet through all this, I still have hope. I'm no longer the full blown optimist I was a child, though I look to the rest of my city, once ruined, and see that it has been reborn, and though some may argue otherwise, I think this is truly for the better. It's certainly beats the alternative. Being stuck is something i'm good at. I'm not happy about it, nor am I proud of it. It is, in fact something i'm attempting to rectify. But, unlike this city, it is not a change that can happen in an instant. You to can make positive change happen.

   Making my way through this darkness, I'm still searching for the bright light of my finest hour. It has been a titanic battle of wills, and many days I find it difficult to even get out of bed. But I do, and push through to the best of my abilities. Some days are better than others, and some days the only way I can get through it is by using the mindset of, "I know something out there is trying to beat me, and i'm gonna fight it just to piss it off."

   What was once an empty sky has once again been populated with glass and steel. Stone and wire. Men and women. People. Going about their lives. Everyone of them fighting a battle most of us will never know anything about. So when you interact with these people, or any person, take the briefest of moments and remember that. Be human. Show compassion.

Timey Wimey Stuff

   It's been a little over 24 hours since the announcement that Jodie Whittaker would be the next in line to battle Daleks and Cybermen as the 13th Doctor in the Doctor Who series, and to many angry misogynists disappointment, the world is still turning.

Seriously fellas, its 2017, this whole preconceived notion that it has to be, "Male First" all the time needs to stop. We live in a better age now, one where gender roles should not matter, what should matter is equality, ability and talent, which is the only reason why Ms. Whittaker was chosen. Talent. Look into it as much as you want, conspiracy theorize to your hearts content, you'll still be wrong. She was chosen for her skill. Its not about gender this time.

Now yes, I'm new to the Doctor Who scene, but i'm not new to the geek world. You see i've been around the block quite a few times, and what I see now screams of hypocrisy. Up until I wanna say maybe 12 years ago, being a geek, being into comics, sci-fi, fantasy and wizardry was not considered, "cool." In fact, it brought about quite a great bit of ridicule and abuse, some of it physical.

Now that many people have embraced the geek world, or, "nerd culture" as it has been commonly called (side-note: I don't particularly like that term.), there has been a backlash directed at those who seek to make peace with the geeks of the world. And I have to ask you, how does that make anything right? I'll answer for you. It doesn't. It makes you just as bad a person as those who mistreated you, if not worse. Once people seek to learn something new and embrace what you see as, "yours" (side-note number 2: its all of ours.), the correct response is to engage that person and show them just why you enjoy what you do, get them interested in it the same way you did, and then you instantly gain a new friend, a new person to talk to and the world becomes a better place.

Now a lot of this backlash over the past few decades especially has been unfairly, unjustly and idiotically directed at minorities and women.

This irritates me to Hulk-like levels. The thought that a fictional alien who travels around in an old London police box through time and space cannot be a female for....whatever stupid reason would be laughable if it weren't so plainly moronic. Surely these, "Strong-willed men of men" had or have a mother, sister, wife, daughter or girlfriend at some point in their lives. What would these ladies think? What would their mother, who raised them, fed them, clothed them, bathed them, cleaned up after them think about the fact their son thought of their gender as a lesser than equal?

Women should not have to defend themselves to the fragile male ego any longer. We've gone into actual space, because of women. We've conquered diseases, because of women, hell we exist because of women.

Someone in some dusty online forum commented, "there'll be bras all over the Tardis!"...because Tennant, Eccleston, Smith, Capaldi and every other Doctor left their BVD's laying around...? I don't remember seeing any of Rose's or Martha's bras hanging off a railing...though, admittedly again, i'm a bit new at being a Whovian. When did the importance of a fictional aliens placement of undergarments become more important than the actual reason we became a fan anyway? Not since Superman lost his trunks have people been so concerned about the genital region of a fake character.

Once we learn to stop being afraid of change, and I need to practice a lil of what I preach there as well, we can all pay attention to what will in all likelihood be a wonderfully told fresh set of adventures and stories for us to enjoy.

I for one, look forward to this. You should as well. You need to open your mind to new ideas and erase archaic ones. The human mind, like something else I know of, is bigger on the inside.

Send PD Back In Time!

   Ok, so a lot of you have commented on my running over the years, and some of you have joined me both in training runs and in big races, and for that I will be forever thankful. Since a few years ago I decided to focus all that run energy on to a bigger item.

And today I'm announcing that the number 7 item on my bucket list is a go. I will be running the 2017 New York City Marathon for Team Fox to help raise funds for the The Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson's Research . The race will be November 5th, starting around 9am at the Verrazzano Narrows bridge and ending 26.6 miles later in Central Park.

You can help!! The fundraising goal given to me by the foundation was $3200. Deep breath in. I know, i know....its a lot. But i'm not asking each person to donate $3200, as nice as that would be...I'm just asking for a few bucks here and there.

This is something extremely important to me. Not just the running. Helping others who are in need is perhaps the greatest thing about this whole endeavor.

At the end or start of this message depending on how the post works, there will be a link to my Team Fox profile with info on how to donate.

You can also message me for details on how to join my team if you want to tackle the challenge yourself.
Expect more posts in the coming months as I spam your feeds with this. :-PFeel free also, to share this with as many people as you can.

This is a great thing, a wonderful thing in fact, and very important to our future. The future is an important thing, for as Doc Brown said, "your future hasn't been written yet, no ones has, so make it a good one."


https://fundraise.michaeljfox.org/2017-TCS-NYC-Marathon/LCPhotowerx

Fifteen Catalysts

   Time is an odd thing. It is often said that, "as time passes, old wounds heal." What is often left out is the fact that sometimes, when wounds heal, they leave scars. Scars are everlasting, and usually...hidden. But, on occasion a scar is used as a turning point, or sometimes even shown with pride, so to say, "I was wounded, but here I am, still breathing, resiliently defying..."

Fifteen Years ago, we, as a people, were wounded. The scars are not hidden, yet we have somehow become frightened of expression and of compassion. We have used a once galvanizing clarion call fade into the background. Thousands of people gone in one day. We vowed to do right by them, to make ourselves better, but it is now difficult to see that solemn promise being kept.

I have watched, for years as the people in charge chanted, "we will remember!"...then shook my head as many, including my friends got sick and succumbed to the toxic cocktail they inhaled. It took a, "fake news anchor" who exhibited genuine human outrage to right the wrong, though his efforts were successful, for many, it was simply too late.

Remembering this day is important to me for a number of reasons. One is to educate, both myself and those who come after me, that in the darkest of times, goodness does actually shine through. Another reason to remember, for me is to set firmly the demarcation line of where my naivete ended.

I look at my, "Old Life" in the days before that one with fond memories, and while it wasn't always a picnic, it had a certain carefree feel to it. I enjoyed it, my youth. I miss it. I look back at photos of myself and friends and smile, thinking of how much better things were. Each day, I'd wake up and go about my day with relative ease in regards to the world around me. I'd go to bed each night, say goodnight to my turtle, Barney, whom just passed away two weeks ago, after being my constant, my pal for twenty five years...I'd then drift off to sleep, dreaming of another grand adventure awaiting me the next day.

Now, I glance at the world around me, and find cynicism and morbidity taking an ever increasing foothold on the collective consciousness of society. Hope and good will are being replaced by myopic attitudes and cruelty. We as a people, as a race are supposed to advance....culturally, mindfully, healthily and personally.

"Here comes another liberal minded rant", some will undoubtedly say, rolling their eyes. And that is where the problems begin. We are so consumed with defining others, putting them in a pre-labeled box before we get to know them, without realizing we're putting ourselves in the same type of box.

"We live in a great age, where we can accomplish great things.", others will say, boastfully. Terrific statement, yet we couldn't even take care of our own after Katrina. The U.K. can't even decide what it wants to do, and North Korea is one stubbed toe away from a potential nuclear annihilation. "It's just politics.", the saying goes. That is essentially the same concept as driving a car with no tires. You know how to can fix it, but you go ahead and let it happen because you're too lazy.


There is absolutely zero evidence supporting the statement that we live in a, "Great age." And the blame for that lies within us. We were given opportunity after opportunity to better ourselves and at nearly every step of the way, we stumbled. "We're gonna give you better healthcare options, so you can see more doctors, but that medication you need to keep you alive? $600. Don't have it? oh well, enjoy death!", "An original idea for a movie? Psshh...we're gonna do that movie you saw and liked years ago, but change everything! The Shawshank Redemption is now set in a downtown Phoenix daycare facility!"

I don't remember the 60's or the 50's, primarily because I hadn't been born yet. But from what I've been told, and seen, parts of it were refereed to as, "The Greatest Generation." Once you get past segregation, threat of atomic death, and sexism, sure, we can call it that. Back then, we landed on the moon and, which gave us the will to dream for better, the economy was booming, family meant something, and the civil rights movement was in full gear. We used to fight for things that mattered. Now we fight because "my team is better then yours."

We aspired to be better for our future generations. Now we strike down laws because some jagoff politician in Texas wants his constituents to be able to carry an assault rifle to Arby's in the event their sandwich isn't cooked right. Countries oppress love because of some misguided interpretation of a book. We make people famous for no reason, and belittle those who should actually be praised. Then out come the "matters masses." without realizing they're all being divisive. And in return, more people are sacrificed for what essentially matters to nothing.

Fifteen years ago, in the days following, we cared, we showed compassion, good will, and kindness to everyone, the world over. We may have boasted, but it was part of coping. Now we boast because we're the lunatic in the room screaming at a light switch.

We once constructed things that mattered, bridges and railroads to carry people everywhere, hospitals and libraries, schools and homes for all. Now we build soaring glass clubhouses to honor the wealthy and unworthy, while many others, who actually are worthy, call a piano box home.

The wealthy want to explore the universe, meet other beings, and this is something I agree with, but I wish they could see that we haven't even figured our selves out yet. Much of the ocean world remains a mystery to us, as do our own bodies. Land on Mars? Great idea, I'm actually in 100% support of that, but first, lets maybe get a cure Parkinson's so we don't have to see people like Micheal J. Fox suffer anymore. Let's get Lupus and MS nipped in the bud so I don't have to see my friends go through pain ever again. Is this the world we really want to show?

There was a time when we once interacted with each other, searched, discovered and explored the world around us, but now, we sit behind glass and plastic screens and abuse, mock and deride. We rate, we click and we drool, but we don't live. We ignore others just build a digital farm, while the impoverished dig in dumpsters for dinner. But remember, we live in a great age, where everyone gets a piece of the pie right?

Money is hard to come by these days, and I don't blame any one specific person or group. It has been my belief that our over-reliance on most technology to the point of which it has even invaded our toilet paper tubes, is causing more harm then good. Not everyone is adept when it comes to technology, not everyone wants to be, and some are simply inaccessible to it. But when you create an object which has the sole purpose of rendering another object obsolete, you then extinguish an entire legion of employment in that sector, creating a valley of talented, hard working and educated individuals who now find themselves aimless.

I'm really happy your iphone can shoot 9 megapixels, but do you know what ISO is? Got a great filter there I see. Only took you a swipe to add it huh? What about the hours of prep work a real photographer goes through to make sure the shot is perfect? Guess that means nothing now huh? I'll just use my degree as a dinner plate now thank you. All those years of hard work will taste really good with this Chicken Piccata.

They say money can't buy you happiness, which may be true, but it sure as hell can keep the bills away and put food in my stomach. I don't want billions. I just want to survive. And right now I don't feel like I'm even doing that. I feel like I am treading water with a 50 pound weight tied to my ankles.

I haven't been truly happy in a long, long, long time. I don't remember the last time I was to be honest. I had a connection with happiness, maybe it was in my childhood, but now I just have spits and spurts of random joy, which, while nice, isn't what life should be about. I am aware adult life is not an everyday party. And I know I'm not perfect, no one is supposedly. I guess that most people at their core are decent and kind, but even those, I feel far behind from.

I was careless with someones emotions once, and I'll be paying the price for it for the rest of my days. My best piece of advice on this matter is something that was given to me once by a friend who was a police officer, and its something i've tried, but likely failed at...maybe it will serve others better. He once told me, regarding another matter, "Go with your gut, your cut will get you home at night." He, of all people would know. Extrapolate on this a little and apply to other facets of life, particularly to the one you love the most. Learn from my mistake.

It's not just frustrating to know exactly what you want out of life but can't get it, its infuriatingly sad, and leads to a defeatist mindset. Maybe i've become as cynical as the rest, but I can't help it.

I've been trying to understand the meaning of being. I can't grasp it. We live our lives, day in, day out, often repeating the same schedule, acquiring mass quantities of everything and nothing along the journey, consuming them rapidly, and then relieving ourselves of them. We recycle this patern until we to are eventually relieved of our life. So if we live just to eventually die, whats the point in everything in between?

I know my place in the world. If the two year fruitless job hut i'm currently enduring is any proof, I'm also not that important. I'm insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and any chance I've had to accomplish great things has likely gone by. I hope i'm wrong, but chances are, I won't be remembered in 200 years.

That being said, I am still effortlessly stubborn at times, and that is why I haven't quit yet. I will battle the darkness just for the sheer sake of pissing it off. Maybe that's the New Yorker in me, maybe its part of my mothers Irish heritage, I'm not sure. She passed in September of 2003, just another notch in the framework that leads me to utterly despise this month. I'm not one for attaching personal meaning to songs, but when Green Day released, "Wake me up when September ends.", I couldn't help but feel like they were in my thoughts. One of the lessons I learned during that time was to get to know your parents. You may disagree with them and that's ok, but they are your parents. They are, unpretentiously, the greatest link to your existence, and one day, they won't be there.

Aside from that , I, as always, look to my friends. I've had many and lost many, some through my own idiocy, some just through the passage of time, but the are a select few who I've learned will always be there for me. Be it sitting in a garage eating bubblegum on a random summer afternoon, putting their arms around me when the world was falling apart, or some who seamlessly mix top hats, aviator sunglasses and sledge hammers because, it really is no big deal. I keep these people around because the older I get, the more I realize I need these people, and just maybe, they need me.

I think about others mortality more then my own. as I said, I know my place, its not very high up. Others are more deserving and that's why I care about others more then myself sometimes. Those weather alerts I give out that people laugh and scoff at? I do that because I want to use my well educated and knowledgeable weather brain to help people. 

I don't have money, so I can't help that way, I'm not in the greatest physical condition, so that's out, but I want to assist in anyway I can. If I could sacrifice myself so that everyone I care about doesn't die, I would, and the fact that I can't...eats at me sometimes. I can't fix the fact that I worry about these things. I worry constantly. About the future. About the present, and about the past. And here's the masochistic thing; I know that worrying about it won't do anything, but I can't stop myself, I can't stop my brains constant motions. Its one part of a larger problem, one that cannot be easily fixed.

It has been said that everyone dies alone. But if I mean something to someone, anyone, if I helped someone, if even a single person remembers me, then maybe I haven't truly"died." Maybe none of us have. I'm an Atheist. I don't believe in religion, but i'd like to hope that my life, and everyone's lives have meaning, or purpose, or, as Carl Sagan once said, "It's an awful waste of space."

Glory Gets All The Green

   The doors of the elevator opened with a typical ding, and the usual wooshing motion as most elevators do. This despite the atypical stair count. One Hundred Three.

   "I must be insane.", I thought to myself as I stepped onto the skydeck floor of the Sears Tower(I refuse to use that other name.). Immediately, A sense of overwhelming emotion overtook me. The skyline I gazed down on...was not one I was used to.

   "No, this isn't right," I thought. "This is not home." To the left was a lake, not Brooklyn and Queens. To the right, endless landscape, uninterrupted for as far as I could see, not the Hudson river. Most jarring of all? What lay in front of me. It was not the Flatiron, leading to the World Trade Center, eventually offering a glimpse of my home of Staten Island. It was more skyline, this time with a lake end capping its reach.

   Yup, I definitely wasn't home anymore. This fact I had known for at least 24 hours. Hell, I knew it even before we entered Chicago. I knew it when we, that being my friends and travel pals(re: willing victims), Chris and Lauren stopped along I-80 in front of a sign that proudly exclaimed, "Welcome to Ohio!"

   We would later discover the exclamation point offered far more hope then it should have. You see, Ohio is a wide empty space, not to unlike donald trumps brain. I do believe a travel guide of Ohio would be as fun a read as a book on the history of tissue paper. I had to think long and hard about that joke, because not much can compare to the monotony of a drive through Ohio. Maybe C-span?

   I'm sorry, I trailed off. That's likely because I left a part of my brain somewhere  back in Ohio.

   I was taken aback by my emotional response. I didn't quite understand it, and I still can't fully wrap my mind around it. It was almost as overwhelming as the intense vertigo and unbalance I felt atop that building, but not as strong.

   Two weeks later, after recanting the tale of my trek to the Windy City, I've been greeted with another response. One of raucous joy. One of my friends pounded down on an exercise table, seemingly more excited than I was. This surprised me even though I've found this to be a common thread, and today I was told why. "You don't go anywhere, you live in a bubble."

   This much is true. I do live in my 5...well...pretty much 3 borough bubble. I don't get out muc...well...ever. Being in another timezone, even one right next to mine, was a first for me. Having deep dish pizza was a new experience(one i'm still trying to wrap my stomach around, though it wasn't bad), as was seeing a fire truck with a black top.

   That's life when you have Asperger's. It's a type of Autism. Some of the symptoms, at least a few of which I have; include a difficulty in maintaining relationships, an inflexible adherence to routine and self sustainability, an extreme focus on a subject to a point of obsessiveness, and environmental sensitivity. I was sadly diagnosed with a learning disability later in life, which made pinning down the exact type difficult, but, with research, its been made a little easier. Sadly, however, this is just the tip of the iceberg of my medical troubles. More on that another time, maybe.

   My main purpose for the trip was to work Comic Con Chicago, or as its lovingly called, C2E2. I would use whatever skills people thought I brought to the table, be they wearing a fire helmet for hours on end, or yammering on about my new camera to the point of exhaustion, as I once again managed autographing department for another con. The, "Con-Life" we call it, cognizant of the fact we are likely never to be mistaken for hardened criminals.

   The secondary purpose for the trip was to fulfill my brains desire to see the, "Second City" I'd been so obsessed over for years, even though I couldn't, and still in many aspects still can't figure out what the pull is. It's as if some unseen force is telling me to find or do something there. I still don't know what that, "something" is, and i'm not sure when i'll find out.

   One thing however, did dawn on me. One reason this journey took place was my need to get out of my bubble. This was my brain's way of telling me, "This is where the journey starts." Why it chose Chicago first is anyone's guess. Perhaps its the similarity to New York, as to ease me into the trek. Maybe there is something more for me there and I simply haven't found it yet...maybe I found part of the puzzle. Maybe it's preparing me for greater things when I get to Washington D.C. later this year, I'm not sure.

     I am sure of one thing. Despite every thing holding me back, i'm grateful to have accomplished what I once thought was out of my reach. Hell, even the day of, I was still convinced it wasn't happenning.

   I'm happy it did. I'm happy I breathed in the cool Lake Michigan air. I'm happy I got to hug Ryan and Brittany. I'm happy to have met Enrique and Toni. I'm happy I heard the little Gelfling laugh. I'm happy I got to experience life an hour slower. I'm happy I that I want to do it again, because, in my mind at least, that means I did something right out there, whatever it may be.

   I'm happy that all of you are happy for me, because it means, despite all my shortcomings, despite all my problems, I still have friends. There is happiness in friendliness, but glory in friendship, and with you all at my side, I have glory days ahead.

The Paramus Holiday Inn

   In six days I will be able to purchase large quantities of my favorite food group, Chocolate, for heavily discounted prices. Except that with no steady income, I really shouldn't.

But I will allow myself a few pieces because its nice to treat myself every so often.

Undoubtedly, many of the chocolates purchased in the coming days will be accompanied with other sugary treats, along with flowers, cards, a gold metal bikini(I know there are a few of you out there.), and in some cases a rock that indicates you will soon be part of a joint bank account. Yippie for you.

Cynical? Yes, yes I am. I've seen love before, in its many forms.

Love for a sports team...until that team cashes out on itself and its fans in favor of the almighty dollar. Love for a fanbase...until that fanbase becomes so self-involved it alienates its core. Love for a food...a food so tasty that you know you can eat it forever, until you find yourself hunched over a toilet at 3am.

But love of another person? It never worked out for me. Oh sure, i've had my fair share of crushes...who hasn't? But that one form of unconditional love, what the Greeks commonly call, "Agape", wherein one that sees the person for who they are, regardless of flaws, shortcomings or faults? That type of love that everyone really wants? Well, I failed miserably at that.

I had my chance, I truly believe I did. The best part of it was, I wasn't looking for her, nor she for me. It just happened. It was lightning. It just felt right, felt natural, not forced. After countless pursuits, it just...happened.

But I blew it. She opened up to me, I to her, until I sabotaged myself. I got in my own way. So used to the proverbial bad luck that I call my life, I was unable to process the simple fact that, "Hey jackass, she likes you for you." was staring me straight in the face. The toxic mixture of fear, ignorance and stupidity was one I moronically drank, leaving the aftertaste of complete regret in my system.

I don't know what would have happened if I, for once, took a chance at being happy. I don't know if i'd be running marathons with her, or if i'd be building a house with her, or if i'd be with someone else entirely. I don't know this because I didn't take the chance. It's a regret i'll have to live with for the rest of my life.

You're only given a finite number of chances at real happiness in life, I believe. I had one, and I let it slip away. There aren't any second chances for a guy like me.

And I know you're saying, "that's not true.", "there are other fish in the sea", and every "don't give up" cliche that you can think of. I've heard it all. I've done the math, which by the way, I suck at, and I know where I stand. I stand alone. But i'm ok with this. Really, I am. This is restitution for my actions. This is my punishment, and it is exactly what I deserve.

Let mine be a cautionary tale. Don't let your fears dictate your other emotions. If you get, "silly little butterflies in your stomach.", don't ignore it, don't push it aside. Embrace it.

If misery is what follows you, take the path to happiness. Trust me, it's exactly the detour you need. If doubt seeps in, plug it with belief. Belief that you are an amazing person and that you deserve to be happy.

Liberté

   In the middle of New York harbor stands something not many know about, even if they think they do. It is an Eiffel Tower of sorts, one not visible from the open skyline, but from the inside of the Statue of Liberty.

   This structure is in fact, what is keeping the statue upright, it is the statues skeleton. It is ingenuity designed by a brilliant individual, Gustave Eiffel, a French individual, as part of a gift to America.

   It is now that very same integrity, compassion and generosity that the French people are exhibiting in the face of a truly despicable act. The courage and grace the are showing in light of todays tragedy is something we can all learn from.

   Sadly, this is something they have seen before. Sadly, this is something we too have seen before. The coming days will see many reactions, ranging from grief to anger, and likely everything in between. This is a natural human reaction to a catastrophic event. One reaction that I fear is unwarranted violence. Violence is not an answer to an act of violence. This is not an example where, "fighting fire with fire" will solve anything. "An eye for an eye" will not end this. Nor will a rush to judgement without knowing the facts.

   Today was a terrible, terrible day. The best way to combat it, is to celebrate life. Give. Live. Love.

   There has been an image that has caught on in the past few hours. It features the Eiffel Tower as a peace symbol. That is not simply the French way, it should be the universal way.

   Some will argue that this is not the time for peace. This is the time to react with, "swift, unquenching, unrelenting justice." I ask you, what, precisely will this accomplish? Violence begets more violence.

   There are many who argue that these are, "terrorist masterminds." No they're not. "Masterminds" are brilliant people who solve hunger, cure diseases, discover new species and reach for the stars. No, the people who did this were cowards who hide behind a shield of weakness and fear. They are afraid of the freedom and lust for life that the people of France and the rest of the civilized world relish and enjoy every day.

   We as a race, as a people are better then the sum of our weakest. The strength of our kindness is what we should choose to put in the spotlight.

   What was the response of the French people following todays acts? They opened their doors to offer safe harbor to those in need. Normal citizens, in the midst of a city gripped by the unknowing terror of cowards, giving refuge to total strangers. That is what today should be remembered for. Humanity. Love. Compassion. Hope. Giving.

    That gift Gustave Eiffel helped fashion stands in the middle of our harbor not just as a gift from the French, it was proof that they stood, defiantly on the side of Liberty and peace with us in a time of struggle. Now it is our time to stand with them, to lift them up when they've been knocked down.

   Our best self must be shown. It is not the fire of a gun or an explosion for which this day should be remembered, but the fire of, "Liberty Enlightening The World." that should resonate. That is human way, and as we witnessed tonight, the French way.

Vive la France!