Christmas while in serious debt, and without a job or money is a
depressing situation. Christmas with an ailment is even worse.
I’m desperately attempting to remain optimistic, to stay positive,
which became a bit easier in light of everyone’s uplifting, encouraging
messages recently, which did help. Still, situations being what they
are, its extraordinarily difficult. And while I’m happy I got my card
done, and happy that it seems a majority of you hopefully enjoy it, I
still cannot shake the searing pang of helplessness and despair, which
crushes me even more. Ailments will do that I suppose.
Christmas is something I’ve always enjoyed, since I was a kid. Its
something my late mother loved, and that is something I’ve tried, again,
desperately, to carry on for her. Every year, we prep for it, as i
often say, "the way NASA preps for a launch." I remember, the first year
we moved into this house, 2001. That Christmas was
utterly...absolutely...excellent, which was strange considering it was
only a few months after September 11th and no one knew how to feel. I
remember our house being packed with so many people it overflowed
outdoors, and at one point someone had to park on the lawn due to lack
of spots on the street…There was just a feeling of joy, the way it
should be, it was a bit of a catharsis, a moment to let your hair down. I
loved it. It remains, for me, my favorite Christmas.
I
tried like mad to duplicate it every year since, with diminishing
degrees of success, and I’m unsure it will ever happen at this point,
with my family shrinking ever so rapidly, and with friends moving on or
moving away.
One thing I do have a solid feeling on however,
is that this Christmas will be the first in which I haven’t had a job
in quite some time. “Take any job” they say, without realizing just how
my brain registers that statement. If I take, “Any job”…I will be stuck
there, more miserable then I was before. I will be wasting my talents,
and my degree…one that I valiantly battled to acquire, and I will never
attain true happiness.
Confucius is known for saying, “Find a
job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Well, Today, a
friend of mine retired after 30 plus years of “work.” I’m fairly sure if
you do something that long, you have to love it at least a little bit.
That’s what I want. I want to take the important photographs, the ones
that matter for centuries, and I’m not afraid to say that.
I
knew…had a fairly good idea anyway, that life would be difficult
following the completion of my degree. Everyone tells you that, and
having seen the real world firsthand prior to getting my degree, I felt
like I had a better…not total, but better idea of just how daunting the
future would be, and would be prepared for it. Well, I to say I was
wrong would be an understatement of gargantuan proportions. You don’t
know depression till you purposely sleep on a couch for weeks because
you think, “Beds are for winners.”
Now, I’m not about to
have a “George Bailey moment” if you will, and if you don’t know who
George Bailey is, educate yourself. You’ll thank me later. No, I’m not
at that point, but this year has kicked me around more then it should
have to the point one of the things I enjoyed since childhood,
Ghostbusters…one of the things that’s become associated with me more
then I care for it to be…means nothing to me anymore, due to the actions
of many. And It’s sad when something you used to love becomes work…work
that you not only find miserable, but work that eats another childhood
memory.
I need this Christmas. I need the next, I need all
of them. It is not about religion, not for me, never was. I am after all
an atheist. Its not about receiving gifts. No one will buy that 40
pound bag of marshmallows off my Amazon wish list anyway. Christmas, for
me…its about happiness, traditions and memories, be they reminders of
good ones from the past, or of the establishment of new ones…that’s what
its about for me. It’s about people enjoying the smell of a fresh,
giant Christmas tree. It’s about the crunch of cookies, the sound of
“Grandma got run over by a reindeer”, the reminiscing of Christmases
past.
New Years isn’t a big deal for me, I’m perpetually
alone. No one wants to be around the straightedge guy who sips Pepsi out
of a wine glass and chomps on Cheez-It’s and then has nothing to do but
be asleep by 12:45...but Christmas…I need it. We all need it. We’ve
gotten to far away from it. I want to wake up on Christmas morning to 4
inches of freshly fallen snow and sip hot chocolate. Many have said, it
looks like. "Christmas vomits in your house." I love it.
I want to forget about the negative, if just for a moment, and remember
what its like to have hope again, so that maybe I can build off that
moment and make it a lifetime. I want everyone to remember what it felt
like to be a kid...