I don't exactly remember the last words my mother said to me. She was far gone by that point, physically, whereas, I was too far gone mentally and emotionally. I know I was afraid. I didn't know how i'd carry on without her.
12 years later it still seems like just yesterday. Its kind of difficult to grasp how much has transpired in what in my mind anyway, amounts to a short period of time. Twelve years shouldn't have rushed by as quickly. But I look to where I am now as opposed to then and I think the trials I went through prepared me to better survive those of today.
She knew and accepted the outcome of her diagnosis and faced it without fear. She did not fight it, which at the time angered me. Then I realized, after a while, in some odd way, she gave me her final bit of strength to fight what would be the hardest time of my life. Its as if she knew the days ahead would be filled with difficulty, but somehow, I made it through. I've often told of how trying those times were, and sometimes been met with, "how did you not jump off a bridge?" For starters, I don't like heights. Unless there's rope involved, I do not like them. Even then, i'm not a fan. But...I made it becuase she gave me the strength. For the record, i'm an Atheist full and through, but I know, in some way, she helped me through it all.
Shes not in the clouds looking after me. I'm well aware of that. If that was the case, I wouldn't be going through what I am now. But I know, inside me, shes there in some way. She is the reason people claim I make good art. If dressing my friends up in costume is what she had in mind at the time, i'm unsure of that, but I am sure I enjoy it, and she would absolutely love that. She loved the idea of art, of creativity, be it with a paintbrush or a pencil.
I choose to remember her by trying to make my own kind of art. I use a camera. Or multiple cameras. The camera holds memory, both in physical and psychological form. You look at a photo and your mind snaps to what was happening at that moment, and the mind starts to imagine. And thats what I love about the art of photography. It gets the imagination in motion. That in turn, gives the spark to the engine that will produce excellent or horrible ideas. The only way to find out what the result is to go for it. Make art. Good or bad.
Thats what she would want me to do, and thats what I am doing. I'm doing something. I'm in motion.
I find that when i'm not in motion, I struggle more. I think thats one of the reasons I run. I feel better when I run. I don't like stopping. I don't like stasis.
I like energy. I like movement, flow, locomotion. Maybe one day i'll stop, but for now, I just have to keep on going. Keep moving, keep pushing, keep producing. And there again, is the big message. Keep doing, keep going, but above all, keep being excellent. Thats what she would want, and i'm fairly sure all our maternal figures would want.