Clinking The Mugs

Pretty much everything has gone wrong this year, this day especially. Whomever drew, in chalk "bad luck circles" in the north part of Union SQ. park put some actual negative karma into it, because since stepping in a few by mistake, the copy of a book I wanted to get my father was sold out at the 3 bookstores I went to, a pigeon landed in my food, my ferry was delayed, I was coughed on, my train was delayed, I got into 2 arguments with my father and cousin and the lights on our Xmas tree went out.

This christmas just feels like a wash, like...it came on suddenly, i've been caught behind every step of the way and theres no escaping how bad its been.

That's just since 2pm. I'm currently on my futon, where I've been sleeping for a few months - when I'm not sleeping on the couch because I just don't feel worthy of my bed, plus I'm afraid I sleep there, I'll never leave. Not like I'll die there, not that, but that it'll become a "depression nest" so to speak for me and I'll turn into my mother.

I dunno. I just want this year to end but there's no proof turning a calendar page does anything cosmically and then there's the whole 3 thing. 

You Mean Santa Wrapped Them

 I still found myself writing up a Christmas List this year, despite my being full - on "into adulthood" age. Its essentially the same list i've given to family members for years now with items moved around. I don't want to give the list, but they ask for it, and I can't not do a tradition. I don't like asking for these things. Not anymore. It feels so childish and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. And do I really need anything? No....well...I do need a new vehicle, and I really do want Jessie Graff, but I don't need another book right now. I don't need a potato chip in the shape of Illinois either. But tradition.

This time of year has always been about tradition for me, more so than any other point in the year. This year however, it feels different. It feels rushed, yet simultaneously tiring. Maybe its the crippling depression, maybe its because Thanksgiving came later in the calendar, who knows really? What I do know is that its been a struggle. To get gifts, to cook and clean, and do it with one arm that is just getting used to being used again. Thanks to Dr. Panov. 

I struggled so much with a lot this year and lost a lot that i'm just done with it mostly. Somewhat waiting for the year to dump one last surprise on me and then i'm done. 

I'm not a fan of surprises usually. they're often bad news loaded, or just not worthy of the term, "Surprise." Then there's always this fear I have that if it is a "good" surprise, I have to react a certain way, and if I don't i've offended the other person. 

This is never my intent however, it's just how the Asperger's or whatever I have makes my mind work. I am also fearful of what I perceive to be hundreds or thousands of people suddenly stopping what they're doing to solely focus on me for that moment. And then I just wanna run and hide. That's why I think the people who propose at like...a baseball game or whatnot are psychotic.

That was kind of a long winded explanation, sorry. But hey, meandering exposition is kind of my thing though, I suppose.

So, I don't think i'll be getting any surprises...but the sick thing is, I kinda want one. A good one anyway, just to kinda send the year off right. 

I want that surprise Christmas kiss or visit from someone unexpected. Maybe if I get that one victory, even at the last minute, all the failures of the year, all the missteps, all the shit...it won't be as bad.  

I need it because i'm worried about next year. Here's where my crazy Asperger's comes out. Or maybe its superstition. Or both. 

Years ending in 3 haven't been kind to me in recent years. 2003 - between losing my mom and job, busting my arm twice, and having my best friend desert me, might have been the worst year of my life.

2013 wasn't much better. I struggled with a work/last year of school balance, and lost both my cousin and my uncle. 

My father and my aunt are up there in age, so theres the constant fear surrounding them. That will keep me on my toes. Then theres the "Chaotic Evil" possibility. The random bad happenstance, that even me, in my master planner mind can't account for. I can't be in a constant state of worry though. It's not healthy, and it's just not sane. I also just don't like it. I don't like always thinking of what could go wrong and say, "I told ya." I hate being that guy. I wanna kick that guy in the balls. 

I want to be the guy who sees good things coming and plans for them. And I hope to. I already plan on getting my "Always Looking Up: The Happiness Project" photo series back up and running, with a new direction and focus in mind, thanks to Dr. Leaver on that one.

I want to at least start a major chunk of the leg-work on the road trip. 

I hope to get a bunch more photo projects done.

So theres things I can focus on that are good. I just need to laser focus on them. (Maybe I should get an actual laser too. That'd be swell. Dangerous, but swell. I really thought by this point in our timeline, lasers would be more commonplace, but we as a species have barely learned how to correctly use an air-fryer at this point so maybe we can hold off on the lasers.)

Another thing thats got me down lately is the crushing loneliness. I get that i'm not always fun to be around, with the arm, the Parkinson's, and the fact that i'm so damn hot its intimidating(I'm also literally hot too, I sweat like a fat man staring at a canoe.), but I need to get out there with people again. 

Sure people have suggested Parkinson's support groups, and yes, i've tried some of them, and they were full of people literally 40-50+ years older than me. Not much shared experience there. Plus, and this is going to sound...I dunno, picky, or just messed up, or both, you choose, but every time someone brings up one of those groups, I feel like they're either shunning me off, or just saying, "Well I don't know what to do with you, so heres some other shaky stiffs," and thats not for me. I don't like being reminded of what I might became in that way. 

I'm not saying i'm above them or anything like that. I just don't want a reminder of, "hey, you're broken." I want to feel like I am still capable of being my old self to some extent.

So then I find myself...by myself. But dammit i'm going to fight it hard. I'm gonna regain that insane but good attitude of no fucks given to the narrow minded ilk. I remember on the first day of 5th grade I drew on my face with magic marker because I thought I was gonna honor Native Americans. In my head it made total sense, and even though it was random, in my mind I was doing the right thing.

I'm a little bit better informed now, and I feel like I can get the same...crux of that message across without the theatricality. But I can and still will do recklessly good. I don't know how, but i'm gonna make things better. Just watch me.

A Hopefully Ever-Expanding List Of Things I Like

 To counter the previous list of things I don't like, here is a hopefully ever-expanding list of things I both like and enjoy:

1. The color green(yes it started because of the Green Power Ranger, Jason David Frank, and this is in his honor now. I told him I owned it better and he got a good chuckle out of that.)

2. New warm socks right out of the dryer.

3. A good long run.

4. A nice long, even balanced phone conversation.

5. Tackle hugs. Or hugs of any kind really

6. Going into a movie you're excited to see and yet know nothing or next to nothing about because you successfully avoided all spoilers.

7. Chocolate chip cookies.

8. Our homemade iced-tea.

9. Plowing through a photo-edit.

10. The smell of summer when the sun bakes the wood.

11. Christmas and most of what happens during it...I feel like this might be a list of its own.

12. Fettuccini Alfredo with grilled chicken.

13. Superman with the red trunks and wholesome attitude.

14. Color coordinated Lego models.

15. Cleaning my toothbrush.

16. Going out for a day and not sweating.

17. Lower Manhattan.

18. Key-Lime Pie.

19. Starting a book I know will be good and it is.

20. Diner conversations. I Miss those.

21. DSV Alvin.

22. Having my friends succeed at the things they enjoy. I get a real thrill out of that.

23. The score to "Captain America: The First Avenger."

24. When I remember a quote long enough to write it down.

25. Union Square.

26. That first bite of a food dish you really like but for some reason haven't had in a while.

27. The hottest day in July. Thats when its truly summer.

28. Sand castles.

29. Lava lamps.

30. Watching multiple episodes of "This Old House" and seeing the project really come together.

31. Sweet and sour chicken.

32. Tim Drake's original Robin costume drawn especially by Tom Grummett, Staz Johnson, Pete Woods, Todd Nauck and Jon Bogdonave.

33. Introducing friends to each other who haven't met and them actually getting along. It so rarely happens actually.

34. When someone says exactly what you're thinking...its a really good unspoken connection and a sign you need to keep that person around.

35. When I actually get a phone call from someone I want to hear from that usually doesn't call and its good news.

36. Finishing a Lego set.

37. Swiss Colony catalogs. Maybe i'll actually order something from them this time around.

38. A good Nascar race with lots of passing and no crashes. Good luck ever seeing that happen again.

39. Random internet compliments.

40. That shower right after a beach day. 

41. Mount Sinai.

A List Of Things I Dislike

And now, a list of things I dislike, since "hate" is too harsh a word. This list will likely be edited and grow, but hopefully not as large as the upcoming "List of things I really friggin like."

1] The actual color purple. reminds me the allergy medicine I had to take as a kid. Speaking of,

2] Grape or grape flavored things.

3] Half-Zip pullover shirts. Full in or don't friggin do it.

4] Polo shirts. See above, and every guy I see in one looks like a frat bro who needs to be beaten with a fish.

5] Trucker hats.

6] Ankle socks...at least on guys. 

7] Apple. The company, not the fruit. The company is an evil fashion company masquerading as a tech company.

8] Pumpkin pie anything. It belongs on a stoop, not in anything. Especially pie. That is an abomonation.

9] E-readers. I don't have to charge my book or worry its screen will crack if I drop it an inch.

10] Avocado's. I feel like I can just make a list of food, but I want you, the reader to be surprised, which is why we next up have,

11] Nikon cameras. They have terrible customer service.

12] Smokers. They killed my mother. Fuckers.

13] The boston red sox. Look, I might not be a baseball fan anymore, but my allegiance is still to the pinstripes, also david ortiz did steroids.

14] The houston astros. Cheaters.

15] Rob manfred. Ruined baseball in what? 4-5 years?

16] Jimmy fallon. Homer Simpson said it best, "What are you laughing at? And if you say jimmy fallon, i'll know your lying!"

17] When you get the feeling something is stuck under your nail but nothing is there.

18] Bugs.

19] People who don't return texts or calls simply because they're flaky. I get needing time to yourself or being genuinely busy, but 98% of all of us are so deeply involved in these devices, theres no real reason not to return someones communique within 3 days.

20] Math. Still haven't used geometry or whatever the hell a polynomial is.  

21] That itch on the bottom of your foot while driving.

22] Asparagus. It looks like a mutated drinking straw.

23] Pillows that go flat. You had one job. ONE JOB.

24] Credit Only places. Not everyone can afford Visa jagoff.

25] People who DIDN'T watch "The Price is Right" when they were home sick from school.

26] Planes.

27] Guns.

28] Football. Its pretty dumb to call your sport football when most of it is actually "carryball", "runball" or "throwball."

29] Mcdonalds. 

30] Cheeseburgers or Burgers with any kind of "special sauce." Just not my thing, tastes gross.

31] Gift Cards. To me they show no effort in even trying to get to know someone. It says to me, "I don't care about you enough to even ask your favorite food."

Erstwhile Warrior

  It still hurts. Its still raw.

Those were my thoughts as Taps echoed through the rain in lower Manhattan. Three buglers playing, as they do every year.

I remember when I was a cub scout, we would hear Taps being played to signal the end of the day. This day however, seems like it will never end. 

It has often been said that I live in the past too much, that I am nostalgia obsessed and focus too much on memory. This is true, I will attest to that. A few days ago, at a doctors appointment, Christmas was brought up, I forget by whom, but it started a lively, joyful conversation, and recollection of my favorite Christmas. It was actually 2001. 

It was our first year in our new home. That, combined with the events of 4 months prior provided a heighted sense of togetherness and joy. Upwards of 75-80 people were here throughout the day, with parking becoming so difficult at times, people had to park on the front lawn, which while spacious enough to accommodate, did result in a rather..."trashy" look.

Our house was decorated with much holiday joy, my mother made sure. It has often been said that, "Christmas vomits" on our house, something I still take a sense of pride in.

This would be one of the final times in which I can recall 3 of my best friends and I being together as a group. In some way, maybe I knew this was the case, because I was adamant about getting a photo of us together. Since then, only one I still speak to, His is a friendship, a bond, nay, a brotherhood I will forever cherish.

I look back on that Christmas with fondness more so than others, if for no other reason than the fact that many since have become increasingly less joyful. Loss of family members, particularly my mother in 2003, grandmother in 2005, cousin and uncle in 2013, have left a gaping hole. 

Combine this with my own issues leading to my alienation of many friends...and the holidays have become a lonely, melancholic time of year for me. I am cognizant of this fact each year, yet I persist in the traditions in the hopes that I can once again regain that sense of joyfulness and togetherness on which I took such delight in 21 years ago. I am aware nothing will compare to that day, but if I could in some way bring about a new memory filled with positivity and joy, than perhaps I can finally say I have moved on.

This is not to say I will not remember, for memory is, and always will be a powerful part of my psyche.

Each year on this day, I try to keep my morning schedule as close to that day as I can. This is how I choose to honor those lost. Its my own way of allowing myself to grieve, and to cope. I am certain many find this yearly ritual bizarre to say the least, while others simply wish I would get over it. 

To them, I ask, how does the way I chose to mourn matter to you? I try to empathize with as many people as I can. I try to see the world as they see it, this way I can better assist them through their struggles. Sometimes this works, sometimes not One thing I have gathered is that everyone copes differently, and the best way to help that person, is to ask them if you can help.

Though I will admit that over the past few years, this one especially, in the days preceding, I questioned why and if I should still do this. 

Today I saw someone hang a flag outside their apartment window whilst in the middle of trip to the pier I was at 21 years ago. They saw me, wearing one of the only remaining, very worn FDNY t-shirts I still have and gave me a thumbs up. I returned the gesture and felt...vindicated. "Perhaps people are still remembering," I thought to myself. 

I don't let the memory of the day dictate my life. I no longer carry its weight with me, but I do not simply disavow its existence. So will I return to the pier next year? I'm not sure. There is a whole year ahead in which I get the opportunity to build new memories on. 

There is no time limit on grieving. If anyone is aware of that, its me. While I am doing this to honor, I am also doing it out of habit and routine. 

Having Asperger's makes routine a very large part of my life. This can be debilitating at times, and occasionally I not only recognize the need to overcome these issues, I do manage to make progress. This is due in part to the weariness of it all, combined with a good therapist.   

A few months ago I had brain surgery. It is supposed to give me a new lease on life. Though I am still recovering, I desperately look forward to the chance to make new memories to look back upon. Maybe I will accomplish something heretofore impossible...at least in my mind.

If I could offer you any advice based upon my experiences with this day, it would be this;

Remember that from the bad days, good days and great memories will always prevail. Don't let the negative blind you from the positive.